Tonight was Owyn's first ever Christmas program at school. I was worried because..
I cried last year at Dominic's kindergarten program. I was newly pregnant with Ell and my hormones were all over the place. It was one of those silent cries. The kind where you don't want anyone to know that you are crying so you don't look anyone in the eyes and just kind of nod when they talk to you. It was just so crazy to think that my boy, my baby boy, my biggest little, really was in school. In kindergarten at that, and really was going to just keep on growing up and standing taller on those risers. So I did what any pregnant mama would do and blamed it all on hormones, shrugged it off and left it be. I think I may have told Matt and my mom later on.
Turns out tonight was just as hard. The thing is, this year it wasn't only hard on me, but it was hard on Owyn too. We've always had this super strong connection. Not that I don't with my other littles. I guess I don't know how to explain it because it's not favoritism at all. I love all of my littles equally for all different reasons but mostly because they grew within me and all came into this world and just amaze the shit out of me on a daily basis. (pardon my french ;) They are all so great and so different and I love that but there is just something with Owyn. Maybe it's that he's so soft hearted. I don't know, but I do know it's there and it's real and tonight when he didn't want me to walk away from him and leave him up there all alone it nearly broke my heart. I could tell he wanted to cry. I wanted to cry. I felt the lump rising in my throat. Matt made mention of cutting the umbilical cord. I think he could sense not only Owyn's upset but mine as well. Tried pulling off a joke to ease the sadness in me. (which is so Matt!)We did however make it without tears and once Owyn's friend Shaniya arrived to stand next to him on the risers he was all grins and giggles.
|He tells me he's got Shaniya on the brain. His first crush.|
Special friends are the best! I've never had a ton of close friends. I've been close with one other mama since childhood and we've managed to remain close over the years. I am so grateful to have her in my life. Don't know what I'd do without her actually. She's my soul sister. Then I have my real sister whom I'm extremely close to. I'm so thankful that we have such a strong bond. It's really special. We were born to be friends and while growing up we weren't always too fond of each other but now, now we are tight. (and if I'd come out of the closet with my blog I could say "Right Jen?" and she'd agree. It's like spandex tight.) My mama is another friend of mine. Again I am blessed because our relationship was extremely rocky when I was younger but she never gave up on me, or me on her, and here we are, buds. Extremely cool to have a mom that I can call a friend. Then there are a few friends that I've gained through Matt's friends because some of them have pretty cool significant others that I really enjoy spending time with.
However, a few years back my number of close friendships really grew and as lame as it sounds I've never met some of my friends in person. They are my online pals. I know, I know, chuckle if you will but I've formed some really tight bonds with these other mamas that I've met through *mom sites* here online. Some of them know details about my life that I haven't shared with many people and the closeness is so there even if we're millions of miles apart. I could go on bragging about these ladies for hours. They are so rad. One lives in Hawaii off grid, one a mom to 4 kids under 6 years who spoils Ellie with hand-me-downs from her sweet girl, one a lawyer, another who's a marine biologist and a mom to a super cute boy named Quinn, one who had a baby a few short days before I had Ell who's in Mexico, and a few more super special ones on top of that. Many of them even went in on creating a handmade off grid in Hawaii baby quilt for Ellie that I came home from the hospital to find on my doorstep. Special. Today though I want to brag up my online/phone friend named Esther who I WILL meet irl one day! She had a baby a few short days before I had Ell and named him Charly. She's been so sweet from the start and after meeting her my grateful for my friends meter rose way high! Today I received a package from her and I am always amazed at her kindness. She sent so many goodies for my sweet Ellie girl and even goodies for me!
I don't know what I would do without these friendships. They keep me sane. Being a stay-at-home mama it's hard going 8-10 hours straight without any adult conversation. I don't need a TV or cable but I do need this glowing box with a keyboard to keep me connected to these amazing mamas. I'm not sure what I would have done if I were a house-mama before the Internet was big. I'd imagine I'd be pretty lonely living in a small town with a less than reliable car to get around in while Matt's away with the reliable one. I am so grateful to have this connection with these incredibly inspiring women and I look forward to the day that I get to wrap my arms around one in real life because that's kind of how I imagine it.. Kind of like a run and leap into each others arms sort of deal. It. will. happen. Ahhh someday. For now though we will love on each other from afar and that's okay too. They are there and I here and we get together on this thing we call the Internet and well, if that's all I can get, I will take it because it really is pretty damn cool.