Monday, March 7, 2011

A Little Masterpiece

Our biggest little is very into writing and drawing and most often when he shows me one of his masterpiece's my heart swells, and this one was no different. Except maybe that this time I was wondering if my heart was going to jump up out of my throat and wrap it's ventricles around him like arms. Nah, but seriously, this one melted me. I am blessed to have such a cool little man to share my time with. This little is wise beyond his years.

Love is when I get together with my family and animals. It makes me feel like love.
                                                           -Dominic Isaiah

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Real Love

Eight years ago today I walked into a busy cafeteria and handed a love note to one of my dearest guy pals. We'd been really connecting, and after a long walk with our pups {and other friends} out on the river I knew there was something real there. I could no longer go on ignoring it, and I knew he was feeling it too, he had been in fact since the first time we dated when I was maybe thirteen. He claims he knew I was the one way back then--only that time I broke his young heart. But this time I wanted to give it another go. I was so nervous walking in and handing him that letter that I stayed up all night pouring my heart and soul into the night before.

I am happy to say that the letter was well received. Just as I knew he was feeling the same energy and our relationship went wild and crazy from there. He came over on the night of March 6th, 2003 and the rest was history. We fell madly in love. We were crazy over each other. But, we were young. And not only were we crazy over each other but we were mostly plain crazy. Crazy teenagers.There were a lot of ups and downs in the first seven months of our relationship. It was so new and exciting but we both had pasts that we were trying to move away from which proved harder than we'd both thought. However we made it through and in the seventh month of our dating relationship we found out we were pregnant with our first blessing. A huge surprise for both of us but an exciting wonderful one at that.

We got our first place together about a month before I graduated high school. He moved in right away while my ma made me wait until either I had my first little or turned eighteen. {they were due to happen within days of each other} Graduation happened and I waited patiently for our blessing to come earth side. After he arrived we all moved in together and family life as we knew it had begun. There were a lot of struggles that first year living together but we pulled through like we always do. He proposed to me in that old house when our biggest little was six months old. So many memories.

We decided to get married about a year and a half after he proposed with our second little already on the way. Our wedding day was nice and relaxed. Just the way I'd hoped it would be.Shortly after the nuptials we headed to the hospital to find out the gender of our second little. Such a special day. We found that we were indeed having a second son and then we headed home to pack our car to head out for our honeymoon filled with live music, family, togetherness, and last but not least, love.

We welcomed our very last little in July of last year. We tried so hard to bring her into our lives and now that she is here our family is complete. We still have our struggles, what relationship doesn't? This new year has proved harder than ever before in our relationship, but we always continue to look towards the future. And in the future we see one another. We feel that we were meant to be, that this love we have is more powerful than anything. Our two Gemini souls were meant for one another and if you look at the compatibility between two Gemini's you will find that we happen to be very in tune, and together are the most interesting couple one might know. Interesting indeed.

So today, as I sit here and reflect on our eight years together I am grateful. Grateful for all that we've shared and will continue to share in the future. Grateful for all that we have overcome. Grateful for the things we will overcome together in the future. Lots of gratitude. I know that our paths were meant to cross and I thank the universe for the many lessons we have learned together as one. I hope our littles can see that love is worth it. It is worth fighting for. I hope that one day when they are in love, from the highest to the lowest moments, that they will feel how real and deep it really is. That they will be able to be real with their loved ones always, that they will always remember to protect their love, to water it like a flower so that it only continues to bloom. But mostly I hope that they will find their soulmate, the one that even when they'd rather not connect with them something is there drawing them back, and proving it's worth. That it's meant to be. I hope that they find a connection like their papa and I have. A safe connection. One that, in marriage or not, will last a lifetime. Because to me marriage is a document--a vow to stick together forever. But real love, love that's not found on paper, love that's found the way we found it eight years ago as two friends out on the banks of the Green River feeling high on each other and freedom without any jotting down of John Hancock's because anyone can sign their name, but it's what they feel in their heart and soul that counts most. I've known ever since that night in March of 2003 our relationship was extraordinary, and no matter where life takes us we will always share this connection. This love we have is real. And on our anniversary I am feeling it set me free.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Good Enough

I often have a bad case of the good enoughs. I worry that I am not good enough for this and that. That I don't look good enough. That my clothes aren't good enough. That my thoughts aren't good enough for certain people. That my love isn't good enough. And with all of the struggles I've been dealt lately I am struggling with the good enoughs more than ever.

The thing is that I have these three wonderfully amazing littles. I want them to feel good enough. I don't want them to see mama struggling with herself but I do want them to see that this case of the good enoughs is very real. And that throughout life they will feel the weight of these good enoughs that everyone feels. However I want them to be able to accept the good enoughs, to be real with them. I want them to embrace them, to feel them, to move through these feelings and truly feel them knowing that they are not alone. Everyone has these feelings the key is to be able to accept these good enoughs, I don't want them to hide these feelings. They are very real. They should be talked about. This society we live in is a scary place. I think it's time to communicate with one another. Instead of trying to compete or catch up over and over again lets talk about our differences, lets share our good enoughs, and as Single Dad Laughing says here: lets be real.

I want my littles to know that they are good enough. They are one person, the one person, in fact, that they were put here on this beautiful planet to be. I don't want to see them struggling with the good enoughs, but I know they will. I have already seen my boys start to feel it. The pressure of the good enoughs that is. And I know that now, well now, we have a daughter. A daughter who is going to feel the good enoughs maybe even more so than her brothers have or will. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't want her to compare herself with the women around her with hair died three different colors, jeans squeezing their butt cheeks, and make-up on their faces thicker than mud on pigs feet. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to know that her natural beauty IS good enough. I want her and my boys to know that everything they do in their life is good enough. Everything happens for a reason. You are exactly who you are for a reason. Everyone has faults and everyone has beauty and we need to accept both within ourselves and others. These feelings need to be talked about openly and honestly. They need to be validated. We all need to be accepted for who we are. And most of all we need to be real. Real with ourselves and those around us.

I hope I can help to inspire my children to share these good enoughs with myself, Papa Bear, and whomever else they feel could benefit. I hope that I can help to teach them to be real. I hope that they will grow not only to be compassionate towards others but also towards themselves because before we can love others we must first love ourselves. Our real selves.

And in the spirit of being real I must end with a good enough. Because through writing this blog post I am feeling this feeling that is very real and very good enough.

::I hope I am a good enough mama to teach my littles to accept and validate these feelings inside themselves and others. And to help them to know and feel within and without that they are in fact good enough and exactly the person that they were put here to be.::

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." - Albert Einstein