Hazel Winter

I was experiencing rushes off and on all day on Saturday January 24th. They weren't strong or very regular so I didn't pay them much attention and went about my day tending to children and housework, as usual. I decided to have a glass of wine with lunch in hopes of stirring things up a bit but it didn't help to bring the rushes any closer together. When I was relaxing with the kids on the couch that evening things were feeling "off." I knew that the birth of our sweet Hazel was imminent.

 We went to bed that night and I figured the rushes would fade, as I did, with sleep. I remember one good one coming on shortly after I fell asleep and it waking me, if only for that minute. At 2:30am on January 25th I woke to use the bathroom. When I wiped I noticed quite a bit of "bloody show" and found myself wide awake and excited as could be. I went back up to bed with my head buzzing. Our birthing time was close. So close. I knew we were about to meet our baby girl. After laying in bed for a couple of hours and trying to force myself into sleep I finally gave up. I got up, wandered around the house in the dark of the night, and felt the rushes intensify. I really didn't want to have to wake everyone and was hoping to leave them asleep until at least 7am. I decided to relax in the tub for a while. After that I got dressed and started packing my hospital bag. Marcus would wake periodically to ask how I was feeling. I remember shrugging him off in hopes of laboring alone in the quiet of the night just a little longer. This time though he noticed me dressing and packing and told me I could turn on the closet light. After that I made my way back downstairs and finished readying for the hospital. At this point the rushes were about 3-5 minutes apart. I decided I better call the kids' dad and let him know we'd be bringing them soon. I decided I couldn't wait any longer and went to wake Marcus up. As he was up getting ready the boys started waking from all of the early morning hustle and bustle in the house. I told them Hazel was coming and they were off to get ready for a day with dad. Matt text and said he could meet us halfway. We grabbed Ellie out of bed and told her that her sister was coming and we needed to take her to daddy. We threw a blanket over her and strapped her into the van. Just as we were walking out the door it began snowing. The flakes were falling so fast that by the time we made it across town to the highway the roads were covered. We pulled into a nursing home parking lot to drop the kids off. After exchanging kisses and saying our goodbyes we were on our way to the hospital. The drive was slow going with all of the snow and it was then that we decided that Bea and Rose weren't nearly as fitting middle names as Winter for our sweet girl. So Hazel Winter she was. We finally pulled into town and decided to swing by Hy-Vee and grab organic virgin olive oil for the birth. This was the only time I got to park in the expectant mothers spot and giggled to myself that a laboring mothers spot wasn't a closer option. By the time we arrived at the hospital it was a little after 7am.

I had my first cervical exam of my pregnancy and was dilated to a four and stretchy. I was admitted. All of the nurses were so sweet and excited to have us there since they'd all worked with my mama for so many years. I found out that the room with the whirlpool where I'd delivered her brothers and sister was already taken so they let me pick which room I'd like out of the few that were left. I picked the room that had the most sunlight pouring in. There were two pines outside the window that were beautifully decorated by the freshly fallen snow and a patch of tall grasses swaying back and forth. Marcus ran out to the van to grab our bags and my birthing ball. I was immediately hooked up to the monitors to check baby's heart tones. I was already kind of bummed because my rushes had slowed to about 7-10 minutes apart on the drive down and being strapped to the bed wasn't helping them to pick up any. I was almost sure I was going home. Soon the nurse came in to let me off of the monitors. I started to roll my hips on my ball and pace the room. I also ate an apple and snuck some bites off of Marcus' sandwich. Just as my contractions were picking back up the nurse came back in to strap me to the monitors again. I expressed my concerns with my rushes slowing each time I'd lay down . We compromised and I only had to be on a short time. This time as I lay in the bed I decided to do some nipple stimulation  and much to my surprise every time I would touch them a rush would come on. Marcus sat at the end of the bed rubbing my feet through each rush. Soon the nurse was back in to take me off of the monitors. This time she made mention of my rushes being more steady.{{thank you nipples!}} I'd just sat on the edge of the bed to attempt to drink some soup as I felt a rush coming on. I stood to lean over a chair nearby and sway my hips. Marcus stood behind me rubbing my lower back and all of the sudden I felt a POP!  I said "I just felt something pop." Marcus said "yea, that was my elbow." and that's when I felt the warm water running down my legs. "Nope, that was my water!" After I got all cleaned up I got back into bed for another short monitoring session. (I hate those monitors!) This time in bed I did more nipple stimulation and the rushes were becoming stronger. I kept reminding myself that my rushes weren't stronger than me because they were me. With each one I would close my eyes, keep my mouth loose by saying ooooOoooOoooh, and visualize my body opening like a lotus. All the while in the bed I would rub a piece of jadeite in my left hand trying to stay open and not grip my hands or tense my body. It was about this time that I decided I wanted to labor in the shower. Water has always helped to keep me at ease in labor and I knew it was time to get in. The water felt so good on my skin. Those showers with all of the different shower heads are a dream come true for a laboring mama. There was a little bench in there but I knew I couldn't sit. I stood holding onto the handrails and swaying my hips. I would sway though the rushes saying "oooOooOoooh and oooOoooOopen." The drain in the shower was clogged and Marcus was having to set towels at the shower door so we didn't flood the bathroom. I spent about 45 minutes in there and could tell I was close to transition. The water was exactly what I needed to bring my baby down. I could tell that I would soon need to push. Our nurse came in and told Marcus that it was time to get out and check the monitors again. (She had tried to have me wear the portable ones into the shower but Marcus kindly asked if we could just leave them off for a while and she agreed.) Marcus stepped back in from talking to her and I knew it was time to get out and I broke down. I began to cry and said "if we ever do this again this is why we WILL have a homebirth!" He told me everything was okay and I didn't "have" to do anything I didn't want. "We'll flood this whole hospital if we have to, baby." That's when it hit me, I'm crying, this HAS to be transition! I got out to the bed and Marcus told the nurse that I thought I was in transition. She kind of gave us a surprised look and then went out and told our midwife. She came in and checked me to find that I was only a six and that she couldn't easily feel the top of Hazel's head. We decided that she was in a weird cockeyed position in there and that had been the reason for the back labor I was having. I was feeling completely defeated at his point and my midwife suggested that I do some lunges and knee ups to try to get her to rotate better down in my pelvis. I stood and practiced these techniques in between each rush. With each rush I would throw my arms around Marcus' neck and ask him to rub my lower back as hard as he could. His arms had to be so sore by the end of it! It was around this time that I mentioned that "I might need something to take the edge off." and that "I think this is my biggest baby yet." He knew that this was really the last thing that I wanted and had to talk me down off the ledge. "You're doing great, baby. You've got this, I know you do! Just try to relax and open." I remember being so hot and feeling like I might pass out. Between contractions Marcus would fan me with a towel. A few more hard rushes after that and I was feeling pushy. Marcus went to the door and let the midwife know. She came in and asked which position I wanted to push in. At this time I was sitting bum on the side of the bed, resting on my arms, with my feet on the ground. I decided I wanted to push right where I was. After a few rushes in that position my arms grew weak and I got up onto the bed. A few good pushes, some loud "oooOoooOooh's," and a couple of "F words" later and her head was born. I had a minute to rest and then my body started pushing for her shoulders. She was wearing her umbilical cord like a seat belt and it took a couple of good pushes for them to be born. Hazel Winter was born at 3:17pm into her daddy's hands after about 10 minutes of pushing. He passed her up to me and I tore my gown down and put her to my chest. She latched on to my breast almost immediately and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I told her that we'd been waiting for her and how in love with her I was. Marcus bent over us and laid his forehead against mine and I felt his warm tears running down over my face. We were so elated. About 10-15 minutes after Hazel's birth I delivered our placenta and Marcus cut the cord. I asked to see the placenta. It was big and beautiful and sits in our freezer waiting to be planted in the just the perfect spot under a hazelnut tree, little Hazel's hazelnut tree.

We spent the hour following her birth in a blissful dreamlike state just staring at her. We nursed, cuddled, and loved on each other in that tiny hospital room. We were so high over the wild experience that had just brought us our baby girl. After an hour had passed a nurse came back in the room to weigh and measure her. She weighed in as my biggest baby yet at 8 pounds 12 ounces. She was 20.5 inches long and as pink and perfect as could be. Soon Hazel was back in my arms and at my breast and she's been pretty content there ever since. At eleven days old she's nursing like a champ and the sweetest little baby. She's stolen each and every one of our hearts, our little Hazel Winter.

time spent here

heart dancing wild
soul set to fly
this freedom i feel
reaches up to the sky

my lungs breathe easy
feet love to move
released onto this journey
im finding my groove

life moving forward
sunrise and sunset
still simply just me
are you feeling it yet

whole self on the grow
plant my seed in the ground
compass in your hand
yet lost and spinning round

scattered and searching
deep in the forest of your brain
one day to find
roots always remain the same
                        ~kmm

I spend a great amount of my time with my nose stuck to my journal and pen glued in hand these days. Our lives have been shifted and while at times it's hard for our littles {mostly our boys} to understand we continue to move forward, faces filled mostly with smiles. The change has been immense and the littles are now getting used to sharing two homes without their mama and papa sharing in one. Mama and Papa are however finding our balance within our new roles in one anothers lives and I'm proud to say that this start to our co-parenting journey has been filled with nothing but ease. We remain great friends because at the root of everything there was this awesome friendship and while being in love didn't or couldn't last, love did. We've shared and loved through some of the most life altering experiences together.. The memories and friendship always to hopefully remain.

Our littles continue to amaze me on a daily basis. The biggest being so filled with wisdom at the age of six that I have constantly have to step back and ask "He's six?" It seems that we've been in each other lives as long as I can remember. Growing up with one another, six years hardly seems long as the life we've shared together. I feel his struggles and he is continually effected by what's going on and out of his control. Sometimes he, often actually, he has moments filled with rage and confusion. The thing is that the kid is so bright he's bound to feel everything and share everything, he's been raised on this journey knowing that his feelings matter most and he should feel/speak/show as he pleases but to always try to be mindful of kindness. With what he's going through the kindness has been lacking, but I see his wheels turning and know that his actions even on his cloudy days are intertwined with love. Times are hard but communication is the key and with that we will ride this thing out into the sunset, mama and her first little. And to quote him, while taking a time out for himself and deep in discussion with a friend about growth, actions and reactions he said "I could trace my steps today for tomorrow." and my heart melted. The kids got soul.

Our midlittle has had a case of the gunk this past week. He is slowly on the mend and as always very go with the flow. Growing day by day physically and mentally he's bound and determined to figure things out on his own. He's been working on tieing his shoes but doesn't want to know how to tie them because he already knows, he's brilliant you know, a boy of his own words and his own funky lace tying do-ups. He fills my heart.

Our wee little gal is doing fabulous! Nearly crawling, definitely getting around one way or another already. Filled with waves, and claps. She is growing before my eyes into this little person. This great little person, in fact. One that I look forward to spending my time with. It really is amazing how quickly they grow, each day brings something new. Life is always interesting as a mama.. and I am forever grateful for these little loves of mine.




deep in thought, a quiet rest in her favorite spot.



celebrate this place in this beautiful time and space

to bend and bow but never break
grow and give yet never take

roots running deep like secrets beneath the ground
for hundreds of years to never be found

one with the soil while reaching for the sky
safety and home place to lives that fly

limbs set free to shake, dance and sway
continually connected along the way

one by one your leaves will fall
bright colors gone you still stand tall

wisdom is great and time here is long
to look to you is to keep me strong

you're beauty is one to appreciate
a generous life we must celebrate

when you're all gone who will we be
for we can live a life unknown by a tree

                                      ~kmm

Happy Earth Day week wonderful folks! Hope life finds you well.. I've missed this space!

A Little Masterpiece

Our biggest little is very into writing and drawing and most often when he shows me one of his masterpiece's my heart swells, and this one was no different. Except maybe that this time I was wondering if my heart was going to jump up out of my throat and wrap it's ventricles around him like arms. Nah, but seriously, this one melted me. I am blessed to have such a cool little man to share my time with. This little is wise beyond his years.

Love is when I get together with my family and animals. It makes me feel like love.
                                                           -Dominic Isaiah

Real Love

Eight years ago today I walked into a busy cafeteria and handed a love note to one of my dearest guy pals. We'd been really connecting, and after a long walk with our pups {and other friends} out on the river I knew there was something real there. I could no longer go on ignoring it, and I knew he was feeling it too, he had been in fact since the first time we dated when I was maybe thirteen. He claims he knew I was the one way back then--only that time I broke his young heart. But this time I wanted to give it another go. I was so nervous walking in and handing him that letter that I stayed up all night pouring my heart and soul into the night before.


I am happy to say that the letter was well received. Just as I knew he was feeling the same energy and our relationship went wild and crazy from there. He came over on the night of March 6th, 2003 and the rest was history. We fell madly in love. We were crazy over each other. But, we were young. And not only were we crazy over each other but we were mostly plain crazy. Crazy teenagers.There were a lot of ups and downs in the first seven months of our relationship. It was so new and exciting but we both had pasts that we were trying to move away from which proved harder than we'd both thought. However we made it through and in the seventh month of our dating relationship we found out we were pregnant with our first blessing. A huge surprise for both of us but an exciting wonderful one at that.


We got our first place together about a month before I graduated high school. He moved in right away while my ma made me wait until either I had my first little or turned eighteen. {they were due to happen within days of each other} Graduation happened and I waited patiently for our blessing to come earth side. After he arrived we all moved in together and family life as we knew it had begun. There were a lot of struggles that first year living together but we pulled through like we always do. He proposed to me in that old house when our biggest little was six months old. So many memories.


We decided to get married about a year and a half after he proposed with our second little already on the way. Our wedding day was nice and relaxed. Just the way I'd hoped it would be.Shortly after the nuptials we headed to the hospital to find out the gender of our second little. Such a special day. We found that we were indeed having a second son and then we headed home to pack our car to head out for our honeymoon filled with live music, family, togetherness, and last but not least, love.


We welcomed our very last little in July of last year. We tried so hard to bring her into our lives and now that she is here our family is complete. We still have our struggles, what relationship doesn't? This new year has proved harder than ever before in our relationship, but we always continue to look towards the future. And in the future we see one another. We feel that we were meant to be, that this love we have is more powerful than anything. Our two Gemini souls were meant for one another and if you look at the compatibility between two Gemini's you will find that we happen to be very in tune, and together are the most interesting couple one might know. Interesting indeed.

So today, as I sit here and reflect on our eight years together I am grateful. Grateful for all that we've shared and will continue to share in the future. Grateful for all that we have overcome. Grateful for the things we will overcome together in the future. Lots of gratitude. I know that our paths were meant to cross and I thank the universe for the many lessons we have learned together as one. I hope our littles can see that love is worth it. It is worth fighting for. I hope that one day when they are in love, from the highest to the lowest moments, that they will feel how real and deep it really is. That they will be able to be real with their loved ones always, that they will always remember to protect their love, to water it like a flower so that it only continues to bloom. But mostly I hope that they will find their soulmate, the one that even when they'd rather not connect with them something is there drawing them back, and proving it's worth. That it's meant to be. I hope that they find a connection like their papa and I have. A safe connection. One that, in marriage or not, will last a lifetime. Because to me marriage is a document--a vow to stick together forever. But real love, love that's not found on paper, love that's found the way we found it eight years ago as two friends out on the banks of the Green River feeling high on each other and freedom without any jotting down of John Hancock's because anyone can sign their name, but it's what they feel in their heart and soul that counts most. I've known ever since that night in March of 2003 our relationship was extraordinary, and no matter where life takes us we will always share this connection. This love we have is real. And on our anniversary I am feeling it set me free.

Good Enough

I often have a bad case of the good enoughs. I worry that I am not good enough for this and that. That I don't look good enough. That my clothes aren't good enough. That my thoughts aren't good enough for certain people. That my love isn't good enough. And with all of the struggles I've been dealt lately I am struggling with the good enoughs more than ever.

The thing is that I have these three wonderfully amazing littles. I want them to feel good enough. I don't want them to see mama struggling with herself but I do want them to see that this case of the good enoughs is very real. And that throughout life they will feel the weight of these good enoughs that everyone feels. However I want them to be able to accept the good enoughs, to be real with them. I want them to embrace them, to feel them, to move through these feelings and truly feel them knowing that they are not alone. Everyone has these feelings the key is to be able to accept these good enoughs, I don't want them to hide these feelings. They are very real. They should be talked about. This society we live in is a scary place. I think it's time to communicate with one another. Instead of trying to compete or catch up over and over again lets talk about our differences, lets share our good enoughs, and as Single Dad Laughing says here: lets be real.

I want my littles to know that they are good enough. They are one person, the one person, in fact, that they were put here on this beautiful planet to be. I don't want to see them struggling with the good enoughs, but I know they will. I have already seen my boys start to feel it. The pressure of the good enoughs that is. And I know that now, well now, we have a daughter. A daughter who is going to feel the good enoughs maybe even more so than her brothers have or will. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't want her to compare herself with the women around her with hair died three different colors, jeans squeezing their butt cheeks, and make-up on their faces thicker than mud on pigs feet. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to know that her natural beauty IS good enough. I want her and my boys to know that everything they do in their life is good enough. Everything happens for a reason. You are exactly who you are for a reason. Everyone has faults and everyone has beauty and we need to accept both within ourselves and others. These feelings need to be talked about openly and honestly. They need to be validated. We all need to be accepted for who we are. And most of all we need to be real. Real with ourselves and those around us.

I hope I can help to inspire my children to share these good enoughs with myself, Papa Bear, and whomever else they feel could benefit. I hope that I can help to teach them to be real. I hope that they will grow not only to be compassionate towards others but also towards themselves because before we can love others we must first love ourselves. Our real selves.

And in the spirit of being real I must end with a good enough. Because through writing this blog post I am feeling this feeling that is very real and very good enough.

::I hope I am a good enough mama to teach my littles to accept and validate these feelings inside themselves and others. And to help them to know and feel within and without that they are in fact good enough and exactly the person that they were put here to be.::


"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." - Albert Einstein



Bedtime Boogie

Bedtime for the boys is always a huge drawn out process.

It looks something like books, kisses and hugs, drink, snack, music, tucked in. Except the tucked in only lasts until I hit the lower level of our home. Almost as soon as my foot hits the last stair I hear one of them jump out of bed up there.

I'm currently sitting in the rocker with a sleeping baby in my lap, boob still hanging out even though she's been detached for a good ten minutes now, and a New Castle in hand listening to Tennessee Jed which just so happens to be blaring from the upstairs now with feet hitting the floor in what seems to be a dancing frenzy and I just sit here and smile. They are crazy littles with a ton of spunk and I sure love having them in my life.

And even if I'd planned on some quiet time tonight just myself, my beer, and my blog I have to admit I'm enjoying the {even more loud than before when I called it blaring!} music which now happens to have been changed to Lawyers, Guns and Money how's that for a lullaby? And with the Widespread Panic being played I now know that our biggest little is the DJ, caught red handed with the tunes he picked.

Soon enough they will lay down and I will go up, re-tuck, and turn the music on low. But for now they are free to party because this mama fondly remembers late night boogieing with her sister when she was younger and knows that moments like this are the ones that last a lifetime.


And speaking of sisters-this little one's 7 months old already!