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| Love is when I get together with my family and animals. It makes me feel like love. -Dominic Isaiah |
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Little Masterpiece
Our biggest little is very into writing and drawing and most often when he shows me one of his masterpiece's my heart swells, and this one was no different. Except maybe that this time I was wondering if my heart was going to jump up out of my throat and wrap it's ventricles around him like arms. Nah, but seriously, this one melted me. I am blessed to have such a cool little man to share my time with. This little is wise beyond his years.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Real Love
Eight years ago today I walked into a busy cafeteria and handed a love note to one of my dearest guy pals. We'd been really connecting, and after a long walk with our pups {and other friends} out on the river I knew there was something real there. I could no longer go on ignoring it, and I knew he was feeling it too, he had been in fact since the first time we dated when I was maybe thirteen. He claims he knew I was the one way back then--only that time I broke his young heart. But this time I wanted to give it another go. I was so nervous walking in and handing him that letter that I stayed up all night pouring my heart and soul into the night before.
I am happy to say that the letter was well received. Just as I knew he was feeling the same energy and our relationship went wild and crazy from there. He came over on the night of March 6th, 2003 and the rest was history. We fell madly in love. We were crazy over each other. But, we were young. And not only were we crazy over each other but we were mostly plain crazy. Crazy teenagers.There were a lot of ups and downs in the first seven months of our relationship. It was so new and exciting but we both had pasts that we were trying to move away from which proved harder than we'd both thought. However we made it through and in the seventh month of our dating relationship we found out we were pregnant with our first blessing. A huge surprise for both of us but an exciting wonderful one at that.
We got our first place together about a month before I graduated high school. He moved in right away while my ma made me wait until either I had my first little or turned eighteen. {they were due to happen within days of each other} Graduation happened and I waited patiently for our blessing to come earth side. After he arrived we all moved in together and family life as we knew it had begun. There were a lot of struggles that first year living together but we pulled through like we always do. He proposed to me in that old house when our biggest little was six months old. So many memories.
We decided to get married about a year and a half after he proposed with our second little already on the way. Our wedding day was nice and relaxed. Just the way I'd hoped it would be.Shortly after the nuptials we headed to the hospital to find out the gender of our second little. Such a special day. We found that we were indeed having a second son and then we headed home to pack our car to head out for our honeymoon filled with live music, family, togetherness, and last but not least, love.
We welcomed our very last little in July of last year. We tried so hard to bring her into our lives and now that she is here our family is complete. We still have our struggles, what relationship doesn't? This new year has proved harder than ever before in our relationship, but we always continue to look towards the future. And in the future we see one another. We feel that we were meant to be, that this love we have is more powerful than anything. Our two Gemini souls were meant for one another and if you look at the compatibility between two Gemini's you will find that we happen to be very in tune, and together are the most interesting couple one might know. Interesting indeed.
So today, as I sit here and reflect on our eight years together I am grateful. Grateful for all that we've shared and will continue to share in the future. Grateful for all that we have overcome. Grateful for the things we will overcome together in the future. Lots of gratitude. I know that our paths were meant to cross and I thank the universe for the many lessons we have learned together as one. I hope our littles can see that love is worth it. It is worth fighting for. I hope that one day when they are in love, from the highest to the lowest moments, that they will feel how real and deep it really is. That they will be able to be real with their loved ones always, that they will always remember to protect their love, to water it like a flower so that it only continues to bloom. But mostly I hope that they will find their soulmate, the one that even when they'd rather not connect with them something is there drawing them back, and proving it's worth. That it's meant to be. I hope that they find a connection like their papa and I have. A safe connection. One that, in marriage or not, will last a lifetime. Because to me marriage is a document--a vow to stick together forever. But real love, love that's not found on paper, love that's found the way we found it eight years ago as two friends out on the banks of the Green River feeling high on each other and freedom without any jotting down of John Hancock's because anyone can sign their name, but it's what they feel in their heart and soul that counts most. I've known ever since that night in March of 2003 our relationship was extraordinary, and no matter where life takes us we will always share this connection. This love we have is real. And on our anniversary I am feeling it set me free.
I am happy to say that the letter was well received. Just as I knew he was feeling the same energy and our relationship went wild and crazy from there. He came over on the night of March 6th, 2003 and the rest was history. We fell madly in love. We were crazy over each other. But, we were young. And not only were we crazy over each other but we were mostly plain crazy. Crazy teenagers.There were a lot of ups and downs in the first seven months of our relationship. It was so new and exciting but we both had pasts that we were trying to move away from which proved harder than we'd both thought. However we made it through and in the seventh month of our dating relationship we found out we were pregnant with our first blessing. A huge surprise for both of us but an exciting wonderful one at that.
We got our first place together about a month before I graduated high school. He moved in right away while my ma made me wait until either I had my first little or turned eighteen. {they were due to happen within days of each other} Graduation happened and I waited patiently for our blessing to come earth side. After he arrived we all moved in together and family life as we knew it had begun. There were a lot of struggles that first year living together but we pulled through like we always do. He proposed to me in that old house when our biggest little was six months old. So many memories.
We decided to get married about a year and a half after he proposed with our second little already on the way. Our wedding day was nice and relaxed. Just the way I'd hoped it would be.Shortly after the nuptials we headed to the hospital to find out the gender of our second little. Such a special day. We found that we were indeed having a second son and then we headed home to pack our car to head out for our honeymoon filled with live music, family, togetherness, and last but not least, love.
We welcomed our very last little in July of last year. We tried so hard to bring her into our lives and now that she is here our family is complete. We still have our struggles, what relationship doesn't? This new year has proved harder than ever before in our relationship, but we always continue to look towards the future. And in the future we see one another. We feel that we were meant to be, that this love we have is more powerful than anything. Our two Gemini souls were meant for one another and if you look at the compatibility between two Gemini's you will find that we happen to be very in tune, and together are the most interesting couple one might know. Interesting indeed.
So today, as I sit here and reflect on our eight years together I am grateful. Grateful for all that we've shared and will continue to share in the future. Grateful for all that we have overcome. Grateful for the things we will overcome together in the future. Lots of gratitude. I know that our paths were meant to cross and I thank the universe for the many lessons we have learned together as one. I hope our littles can see that love is worth it. It is worth fighting for. I hope that one day when they are in love, from the highest to the lowest moments, that they will feel how real and deep it really is. That they will be able to be real with their loved ones always, that they will always remember to protect their love, to water it like a flower so that it only continues to bloom. But mostly I hope that they will find their soulmate, the one that even when they'd rather not connect with them something is there drawing them back, and proving it's worth. That it's meant to be. I hope that they find a connection like their papa and I have. A safe connection. One that, in marriage or not, will last a lifetime. Because to me marriage is a document--a vow to stick together forever. But real love, love that's not found on paper, love that's found the way we found it eight years ago as two friends out on the banks of the Green River feeling high on each other and freedom without any jotting down of John Hancock's because anyone can sign their name, but it's what they feel in their heart and soul that counts most. I've known ever since that night in March of 2003 our relationship was extraordinary, and no matter where life takes us we will always share this connection. This love we have is real. And on our anniversary I am feeling it set me free.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Good Enough
I often have a bad case of the good enoughs. I worry that I am not good enough for this and that. That I don't look good enough. That my clothes aren't good enough. That my thoughts aren't good enough for certain people. That my love isn't good enough. And with all of the struggles I've been dealt lately I am struggling with the good enoughs more than ever.
The thing is that I have these three wonderfully amazing littles. I want them to feel good enough. I don't want them to see mama struggling with herself but I do want them to see that this case of the good enoughs is very real. And that throughout life they will feel the weight of these good enoughs that everyone feels. However I want them to be able to accept the good enoughs, to be real with them. I want them to embrace them, to feel them, to move through these feelings and truly feel them knowing that they are not alone. Everyone has these feelings the key is to be able to accept these good enoughs, I don't want them to hide these feelings. They are very real. They should be talked about. This society we live in is a scary place. I think it's time to communicate with one another. Instead of trying to compete or catch up over and over again lets talk about our differences, lets share our good enoughs, and as Single Dad Laughing says here: lets be real.
I want my littles to know that they are good enough. They are one person, the one person, in fact, that they were put here on this beautiful planet to be. I don't want to see them struggling with the good enoughs, but I know they will. I have already seen my boys start to feel it. The pressure of the good enoughs that is. And I know that now, well now, we have a daughter. A daughter who is going to feel the good enoughs maybe even more so than her brothers have or will. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't want her to compare herself with the women around her with hair died three different colors, jeans squeezing their butt cheeks, and make-up on their faces thicker than mud on pigs feet. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to know that her natural beauty IS good enough. I want her and my boys to know that everything they do in their life is good enough. Everything happens for a reason. You are exactly who you are for a reason. Everyone has faults and everyone has beauty and we need to accept both within ourselves and others. These feelings need to be talked about openly and honestly. They need to be validated. We all need to be accepted for who we are. And most of all we need to be real. Real with ourselves and those around us.
I hope I can help to inspire my children to share these good enoughs with myself, Papa Bear, and whomever else they feel could benefit. I hope that I can help to teach them to be real. I hope that they will grow not only to be compassionate towards others but also towards themselves because before we can love others we must first love ourselves. Our real selves.
And in the spirit of being real I must end with a good enough. Because through writing this blog post I am feeling this feeling that is very real and very good enough.
::I hope I am a good enough mama to teach my littles to accept and validate these feelings inside themselves and others. And to help them to know and feel within and without that they are in fact good enough and exactly the person that they were put here to be.::
The thing is that I have these three wonderfully amazing littles. I want them to feel good enough. I don't want them to see mama struggling with herself but I do want them to see that this case of the good enoughs is very real. And that throughout life they will feel the weight of these good enoughs that everyone feels. However I want them to be able to accept the good enoughs, to be real with them. I want them to embrace them, to feel them, to move through these feelings and truly feel them knowing that they are not alone. Everyone has these feelings the key is to be able to accept these good enoughs, I don't want them to hide these feelings. They are very real. They should be talked about. This society we live in is a scary place. I think it's time to communicate with one another. Instead of trying to compete or catch up over and over again lets talk about our differences, lets share our good enoughs, and as Single Dad Laughing says here: lets be real.
I want my littles to know that they are good enough. They are one person, the one person, in fact, that they were put here on this beautiful planet to be. I don't want to see them struggling with the good enoughs, but I know they will. I have already seen my boys start to feel it. The pressure of the good enoughs that is. And I know that now, well now, we have a daughter. A daughter who is going to feel the good enoughs maybe even more so than her brothers have or will. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't want her to compare herself with the women around her with hair died three different colors, jeans squeezing their butt cheeks, and make-up on their faces thicker than mud on pigs feet. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to know that her natural beauty IS good enough. I want her and my boys to know that everything they do in their life is good enough. Everything happens for a reason. You are exactly who you are for a reason. Everyone has faults and everyone has beauty and we need to accept both within ourselves and others. These feelings need to be talked about openly and honestly. They need to be validated. We all need to be accepted for who we are. And most of all we need to be real. Real with ourselves and those around us.
I hope I can help to inspire my children to share these good enoughs with myself, Papa Bear, and whomever else they feel could benefit. I hope that I can help to teach them to be real. I hope that they will grow not only to be compassionate towards others but also towards themselves because before we can love others we must first love ourselves. Our real selves.
And in the spirit of being real I must end with a good enough. Because through writing this blog post I am feeling this feeling that is very real and very good enough.
::I hope I am a good enough mama to teach my littles to accept and validate these feelings inside themselves and others. And to help them to know and feel within and without that they are in fact good enough and exactly the person that they were put here to be.::
 |
| "A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." - Albert Einstein |
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Bedtime Boogie
Bedtime for the boys is always a huge drawn out process.
It looks something like books, kisses and hugs, drink, snack, music, tucked in. Except the tucked in only lasts until I hit the lower level of our home. Almost as soon as my foot hits the last stair I hear one of them jump out of bed up there.
I'm currently sitting in the rocker with a sleeping baby in my lap, boob still hanging out even though she's been detached for a good ten minutes now, and a New Castle in hand listening to Tennessee Jed which just so happens to be blaring from the upstairs now with feet hitting the floor in what seems to be a dancing frenzy and I just sit here and smile. They are crazy littles with a ton of spunk and I sure love having them in my life.
And even if I'd planned on some quiet time tonight just myself, my beer, and my blog I have to admit I'm enjoying the {even more loud than before when I called it blaring!} music which now happens to have been changed to Lawyers, Guns and Money how's that for a lullaby? And with the Widespread Panic being played I now know that our biggest little is the DJ, caught red handed with the tunes he picked.
Soon enough they will lay down and I will go up, re-tuck, and turn the music on low. But for now they are free to party because this mama fondly remembers late night boogieing with her sister when she was younger and knows that moments like this are the ones that last a lifetime.
It looks something like books, kisses and hugs, drink, snack, music, tucked in. Except the tucked in only lasts until I hit the lower level of our home. Almost as soon as my foot hits the last stair I hear one of them jump out of bed up there.
I'm currently sitting in the rocker with a sleeping baby in my lap, boob still hanging out even though she's been detached for a good ten minutes now, and a New Castle in hand listening to Tennessee Jed which just so happens to be blaring from the upstairs now with feet hitting the floor in what seems to be a dancing frenzy and I just sit here and smile. They are crazy littles with a ton of spunk and I sure love having them in my life.
And even if I'd planned on some quiet time tonight just myself, my beer, and my blog I have to admit I'm enjoying the {even more loud than before when I called it blaring!} music which now happens to have been changed to Lawyers, Guns and Money how's that for a lullaby? And with the Widespread Panic being played I now know that our biggest little is the DJ, caught red handed with the tunes he picked.
Soon enough they will lay down and I will go up, re-tuck, and turn the music on low. But for now they are free to party because this mama fondly remembers late night boogieing with her sister when she was younger and knows that moments like this are the ones that last a lifetime.
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| And speaking of sisters-this little one's 7 months old already! |
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sun Kissed Mind
Today the sun is shining and spring thoughts are jumping around in my head like rabbits on a pogo sticks. I've got so many things in store for this years warmer months. Things like expanding my herb garden, lots of working in the veggie garden, swimming, fishing, hiking, camping, camping, camping. {Did I mention I can't wait for camping?}
As our smallest little is laying on the bed next to me making a mess in her diaper I can't help but be excited over thoughts of her running around {or crawling} showing off her diapered booty and not having to cover up. I am so ready to be done with all the layering of clothing. No more sweaters, long undies, socks, snow pants, boots, mittens, hats.. Off with it all I say. I'm ready for tank tops and feeling my hair gently swish against my back with the soft summer breeze. I'm ready for barefoot trips out to the clothesline and feeling the blades of fresh green grass poking up between my toes. {and Ell's diapers are needing the sunshine almost as bad as myself!} I look forward to cooking out and calling muddy worn out boys in just in time for dinner. I look forward to the Gemini birthdays {am I really going to be 25 this year?!} and the celebrations of our little Cancer's first birthday as well.
February has always been my least favorite month. And this year it's proved itself to be just that and then some. I am so ready for this month to come to a close. It's time to move forward, shine like the sun, and live the life I love. In just five short days March will be here, the green grass will start to slowly appear again, and this mama will be feeling rejuvenated. I am ready for this new month. A new start to an old life.
As our smallest little is laying on the bed next to me making a mess in her diaper I can't help but be excited over thoughts of her running around {or crawling} showing off her diapered booty and not having to cover up. I am so ready to be done with all the layering of clothing. No more sweaters, long undies, socks, snow pants, boots, mittens, hats.. Off with it all I say. I'm ready for tank tops and feeling my hair gently swish against my back with the soft summer breeze. I'm ready for barefoot trips out to the clothesline and feeling the blades of fresh green grass poking up between my toes. {and Ell's diapers are needing the sunshine almost as bad as myself!} I look forward to cooking out and calling muddy worn out boys in just in time for dinner. I look forward to the Gemini birthdays {am I really going to be 25 this year?!} and the celebrations of our little Cancer's first birthday as well.
February has always been my least favorite month. And this year it's proved itself to be just that and then some. I am so ready for this month to come to a close. It's time to move forward, shine like the sun, and live the life I love. In just five short days March will be here, the green grass will start to slowly appear again, and this mama will be feeling rejuvenated. I am ready for this new month. A new start to an old life.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
On the Other Side
Yesterday we were feeling the need for some freedom. I think we all needed some fresh air and I know that Papa Bear and I, being the Gemini's we are, were defiantly in need.{Did I mention that our biggest little is also a Gemini. Lots of good twins and bad twins running around our homestead.}We had the windows open in the house all day but it just wasn't enough so we decided to step out into the woods for bit with our littles.
We left the house at about 4:30 expecting a couple of hours of solid hiking/wandering time out among the snow covered trees. We always take the same country roads out to our nearest state park. Those roads are filled with memories from Matt's childhood, times we spent together as crazy teens, and now the many of times we have driven them with our van full of littles. There is a tree high up on a hill on a little piece of land that Matt's Grandfather used to farm that is marked with the names of a Native American and a soldier who both fought and died on the hill. Each time we drive by the boys start to talk about the battle.. and my mind instantly wanders to the time that we {before we were a couple} drove up that hill in our friends little truck. I was always the only gal along for the ride and it was always interesting to see what kind of mischief the boys would cause and just how much a lot of it scared the shit out of me.. And then just as we turn the bend there is a little well that Papa Bear and his Grandpa once got water from. I've heard the story a million times over and now when we reach the well we both look at each other and start to tell it--me usually putting a funky twist on it that leads to us both cracking up.
Yesterday as we were passing the well we stopped to watch a few white tailed deer running around the lake across the road. We were blessed with the presence of of many critters yesterday, big and small, and the boys thrived off of them. As we pulled away from watching the deer, turning the bend, and shortly after climbing our hill that we usually fly over to lose our stomachs this time we flew over to find that there was still two feet of snow sitting on the road. We decided to take the risk and see if we could push our way through in our minivan, and ummm, we couldn't. But it wasn't that same horrible oh no we're stuck kind of situation. This was more like we were pretty sure we were going to get stuck now lets make the best of it. And best of it we did. Papa Bear and I laughed as we were out trying to kick snow out of our path. We were in and out of the van 8 times, our two smallest littles passed out, and Dom looked at us so seriously as said "Okay, so if we can't make it the 9th time are we going to call someone?" But we were determined. Papa Bear put the pedal to the metal and practiced his race car driving skills and we pushed our way out of the drift. We'd made it out on the other side. Seems like we've been all over that making it out on the other side stuff lately. We make one helluva team.
By the time we got to the park the pines were slowly being swallowed by fog and darkness was creeping in. Even though we were walking along in the grayness it felt good. I felt free. I was at ease and could feel a huge weight lifted off my chest. {even if I had our smallest little attached in the front carry position} I need mother nature in all of her beauty more than I'd known. The boys ran ahead rolling around in the snow and getting wetter than wet in all of the slush while Papa Bear, and I {plus one} followed behind in their little footprints. We studied animal tracks and listened to the coyotes howling across the lake. It was a beautiful evening with my family. My family that I am so blessed to be a part of. This love that we share is big. We've had our share of struggles dating back to 2003 when our story started with two young {and crazy} teenage friends being drawn to one another like magnets but we always pull through. We've created and lived so much since then with many ups and downs. And it always seems as if the other side is brighter and more love filled than before. There are so many more good times around the bend and I look forward sharing them with my family. My big love.
Please excuse the pictureless post-I am in need of new camera batteries and I'm sooooo missing the capturing and creating! Soon!
We left the house at about 4:30 expecting a couple of hours of solid hiking/wandering time out among the snow covered trees. We always take the same country roads out to our nearest state park. Those roads are filled with memories from Matt's childhood, times we spent together as crazy teens, and now the many of times we have driven them with our van full of littles. There is a tree high up on a hill on a little piece of land that Matt's Grandfather used to farm that is marked with the names of a Native American and a soldier who both fought and died on the hill. Each time we drive by the boys start to talk about the battle.. and my mind instantly wanders to the time that we {before we were a couple} drove up that hill in our friends little truck. I was always the only gal along for the ride and it was always interesting to see what kind of mischief the boys would cause and just how much a lot of it scared the shit out of me.. And then just as we turn the bend there is a little well that Papa Bear and his Grandpa once got water from. I've heard the story a million times over and now when we reach the well we both look at each other and start to tell it--me usually putting a funky twist on it that leads to us both cracking up.
Yesterday as we were passing the well we stopped to watch a few white tailed deer running around the lake across the road. We were blessed with the presence of of many critters yesterday, big and small, and the boys thrived off of them. As we pulled away from watching the deer, turning the bend, and shortly after climbing our hill that we usually fly over to lose our stomachs this time we flew over to find that there was still two feet of snow sitting on the road. We decided to take the risk and see if we could push our way through in our minivan, and ummm, we couldn't. But it wasn't that same horrible oh no we're stuck kind of situation. This was more like we were pretty sure we were going to get stuck now lets make the best of it. And best of it we did. Papa Bear and I laughed as we were out trying to kick snow out of our path. We were in and out of the van 8 times, our two smallest littles passed out, and Dom looked at us so seriously as said "Okay, so if we can't make it the 9th time are we going to call someone?" But we were determined. Papa Bear put the pedal to the metal and practiced his race car driving skills and we pushed our way out of the drift. We'd made it out on the other side. Seems like we've been all over that making it out on the other side stuff lately. We make one helluva team.
By the time we got to the park the pines were slowly being swallowed by fog and darkness was creeping in. Even though we were walking along in the grayness it felt good. I felt free. I was at ease and could feel a huge weight lifted off my chest. {even if I had our smallest little attached in the front carry position} I need mother nature in all of her beauty more than I'd known. The boys ran ahead rolling around in the snow and getting wetter than wet in all of the slush while Papa Bear, and I {plus one} followed behind in their little footprints. We studied animal tracks and listened to the coyotes howling across the lake. It was a beautiful evening with my family. My family that I am so blessed to be a part of. This love that we share is big. We've had our share of struggles dating back to 2003 when our story started with two young {and crazy} teenage friends being drawn to one another like magnets but we always pull through. We've created and lived so much since then with many ups and downs. And it always seems as if the other side is brighter and more love filled than before. There are so many more good times around the bend and I look forward sharing them with my family. My big love.
Please excuse the pictureless post-I am in need of new camera batteries and I'm sooooo missing the capturing and creating! Soon!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Piece Of My Heart
Our home has been covered by a big storm cloud these past few days. Truths were told and lies pulled from the deep to be dissected over and over and over again. To be honest my last post makes me sick to my stomach. The last two actually. Or maybe everything dating back to January seventh.
While I want to write, I'm struggling. And this isn't the place where I can or should write right now. I have decided to take a break from the blog. A break for healing my soul. I will write in my small journal that rests under the head of my bed. The journal I haven't had to write in since July of 2009 when we lost our pregnancy and my grandpa all at once. It really should be black instead of yellow. It's filled with hurt. And with the way I'm feeling now it may just literally be filled by the time I'm finished with it.
I will be back. When is hard to say, but I do enjoy having this little space in the world to share our joys and plan to continue in the future when the joys aren't overshadowed by hurt. And most importantly when I can pull myself out of bed and be the mama that I should be {and hope to be again soon!} to my littles. I hate being so broken, so burned, and I wont be forever. But right now I am here in the now and what's going on here in the now is defiantly not blog worthy. It's not even fucking life worthy. So it will be tucked away in my journal and that will be that.
While I want to write, I'm struggling. And this isn't the place where I can or should write right now. I have decided to take a break from the blog. A break for healing my soul. I will write in my small journal that rests under the head of my bed. The journal I haven't had to write in since July of 2009 when we lost our pregnancy and my grandpa all at once. It really should be black instead of yellow. It's filled with hurt. And with the way I'm feeling now it may just literally be filled by the time I'm finished with it.
I will be back. When is hard to say, but I do enjoy having this little space in the world to share our joys and plan to continue in the future when the joys aren't overshadowed by hurt. And most importantly when I can pull myself out of bed and be the mama that I should be {and hope to be again soon!} to my littles. I hate being so broken, so burned, and I wont be forever. But right now I am here in the now and what's going on here in the now is defiantly not blog worthy. It's not even fucking life worthy. So it will be tucked away in my journal and that will be that.
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