Bedtime Boogie

Bedtime for the boys is always a huge drawn out process.

It looks something like books, kisses and hugs, drink, snack, music, tucked in. Except the tucked in only lasts until I hit the lower level of our home. Almost as soon as my foot hits the last stair I hear one of them jump out of bed up there.

I'm currently sitting in the rocker with a sleeping baby in my lap, boob still hanging out even though she's been detached for a good ten minutes now, and a New Castle in hand listening to Tennessee Jed which just so happens to be blaring from the upstairs now with feet hitting the floor in what seems to be a dancing frenzy and I just sit here and smile. They are crazy littles with a ton of spunk and I sure love having them in my life.

And even if I'd planned on some quiet time tonight just myself, my beer, and my blog I have to admit I'm enjoying the {even more loud than before when I called it blaring!} music which now happens to have been changed to Lawyers, Guns and Money how's that for a lullaby? And with the Widespread Panic being played I now know that our biggest little is the DJ, caught red handed with the tunes he picked.

Soon enough they will lay down and I will go up, re-tuck, and turn the music on low. But for now they are free to party because this mama fondly remembers late night boogieing with her sister when she was younger and knows that moments like this are the ones that last a lifetime.


And speaking of sisters-this little one's 7 months old already!



Sun Kissed Mind

Today the sun is shining and spring thoughts are jumping around in my head like rabbits on a pogo sticks. I've got so many things in store for this years warmer months. Things like expanding my herb garden, lots of working in the veggie garden, swimming, fishing, hiking, camping, camping, camping. {Did I mention I can't wait for camping?}

As our smallest little is laying on the bed next to me making a mess in her diaper I can't help but be excited over thoughts of her running around {or crawling} showing off her diapered booty and not having to cover up. I am so ready to be done with all the layering of clothing. No more sweaters, long undies, socks, snow pants, boots, mittens, hats.. Off with it all I say. I'm ready for tank tops and feeling my hair gently swish against my back with the soft summer breeze. I'm ready for barefoot trips out to the clothesline and feeling the blades of fresh green grass poking up between my toes. {and Ell's diapers are needing the sunshine almost as bad as myself!} I look forward to cooking out and calling muddy worn out boys in just in time for dinner. I look forward to the Gemini birthdays {am I really going to be 25 this year?!} and the celebrations of our little Cancer's first birthday as well.

February has always been my least favorite month. And this year it's proved itself to be just that and then some. I am so ready for this month to come to a close. It's time to move forward, shine like the sun, and live the life I love. In just five short days March will be here, the green grass will start to slowly appear again, and this mama will be feeling rejuvenated. I am ready for this new month. A new start to an old life.

On the Other Side

Yesterday we were feeling the need for some freedom. I think we all needed some fresh air and I know that Papa Bear and I, being the Gemini's we are, were defiantly in need.{Did I mention that our biggest little is also a Gemini. Lots of good twins and bad twins running around our homestead.}We had the windows open in the house all day but it just wasn't enough so we decided to step out into the woods for bit with our littles.


We left the house at about 4:30 expecting a couple of hours of solid hiking/wandering time out among the snow covered trees. We always take the same country roads out to our nearest state park. Those roads are filled with memories from Matt's childhood, times we spent together as crazy teens, and now the many of times we have driven them with our van full of littles. There is a tree high up on a hill on a little piece of land that Matt's Grandfather used to farm that is marked with the names of a Native American and a soldier who both fought and died on the hill. Each time we drive by the boys start to talk about the battle.. and my mind instantly wanders to the time that we {before we were a couple} drove up that hill in our friends little truck. I was always the only gal along for the ride and it was always interesting to see what kind of mischief the boys would cause and just how much a lot of it scared the shit out of me.. And then just as we turn the bend there is a little well that Papa Bear and his Grandpa once got water from. I've heard the story a million times over and now when we reach the well we both look at each other and start to tell it--me usually putting a funky twist on it that leads to us both cracking up.


Yesterday as we were passing the well we stopped to watch a few white tailed deer running around the lake across the road. We were blessed with the presence of of many critters yesterday, big and small, and the boys thrived off of them. As we pulled away from watching the deer, turning the bend, and shortly after climbing our hill that we usually fly over to lose our stomachs this time we flew over to find that there was still two feet of snow sitting on the road. We decided to take the risk and see if we could push our way through in our minivan, and ummm, we couldn't. But it wasn't that same horrible oh no we're stuck kind of situation. This was more like we were pretty sure we were going to get stuck now lets make the best of it. And best of it we did. Papa Bear and I laughed as we were out trying to kick snow out of our path. We were in and out of the van 8 times, our two smallest littles passed out, and Dom looked at us so seriously as said "Okay, so if we can't make it the 9th time are we going to call someone?" But we were determined. Papa Bear put the pedal to the metal and practiced his race car driving skills and we pushed our way out of the drift. We'd made it out on the other side. Seems like we've been all over that making it out on the other side stuff lately. We make one helluva team.


By the time we got to the park the pines were slowly being swallowed by fog and darkness was creeping in. Even though we were walking along in the grayness it felt good. I felt free. I was at ease and could feel a huge weight lifted off my chest. {even if I had our smallest little attached in the front carry position} I need mother nature in all of her beauty more than I'd known. The boys ran ahead rolling around in the snow and getting wetter than wet in all of the slush while Papa Bear, and I {plus one} followed behind in their little footprints. We studied animal tracks and listened to the coyotes howling across the lake. It was a beautiful evening with my family. My family that I am so blessed to be a part of. This love that we share is big. We've had our share of struggles dating back to 2003 when our story started with two young {and crazy} teenage friends being drawn to one another like magnets but we always pull through. We've created and lived so much since then with many ups and downs. And it always seems as if the other side is brighter and more love filled than before. There are so many more good times around the bend and I look forward sharing them with my family. My big love.


Please excuse the pictureless post-I am in need of new camera batteries and I'm sooooo missing the capturing and creating! Soon!

Piece Of My Heart

Our home has been covered by a big storm cloud these past few days. Truths were told and lies pulled from the deep to be dissected over and over and over again. To be honest my last post makes me sick to my stomach. The last two actually. Or maybe everything dating back to January seventh.

While I want to write, I'm struggling. And this isn't the place where I can or should write right now. I have decided to take a break from the blog. A break for healing my soul. I will write in my small journal that rests under the head of my bed. The journal I haven't had to write in since July of 2009 when we lost our pregnancy and my grandpa all at once. It really should be black instead of yellow. It's filled with hurt. And with the way I'm feeling now it may just literally be filled by the time I'm finished with it.

I will be back. When is hard to say, but I do enjoy having this little space in the world to share our joys and plan to continue in the future when the joys aren't overshadowed by hurt. And most importantly when I can pull myself out of bed and be the mama that I should be {and hope to be again soon!} to my littles. I hate being so broken, so burned, and I wont be forever. But right now I am here in the now and what's going on here in the now is defiantly not blog worthy. It's not even fucking life worthy. So it will be tucked away in my journal and that will be that. 

Slow and Be

Chilly winds are blowing today. The two pines in my backyard are fiercely whipping around with a blur of crisp white snow being tangled through the branches. I can hear the wind gusting into the walls of our house, and the house ever so softly moaning with each blow. The temperature outside is well below freezing, and while I might be exaggerating the inside isn't feeling much warmer.  

We're forcasted to be hit with a big winter storm today into tomorrow. They are calling for anywhere between 14-18 inches for our area. And while I haven't always been a fan of winter, each year I find myself more at ease with the cold, white, blustery weather that is our home place during these long hard months. It's safe to say that I am excited for this winter storm heading our way. And I'm hoping that mother nature finds the relief she needs after dropping a fresh, deep, white blanket over our home towns.

Today we have our woolens on. Our smallest little is sitting in the rocker, wooden spoon in hand or mouth, buried underneath our heavy quilt, waiting for her mama to preheat the oven for cookie baking.

This mama is hoping that by doing some baking the inside of our home will warm up just a tad. I'm also hoping that Papa Bear can find some wood for us on his way home from work, and that he gets off early enough to travel slowly in the light hours and make his way here safely.

I just received a call from a dear friend letting me know that the boys will be dismissed early from school today, and our Cub Scouts pack meeting has been canceled for tonight. Sounds like it will be a nice night for cozying up fireside with the ones we love. What a perfect excuse to slow down and just be. And to that I say: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.  


Just a smackerel will do for my little honey pooh.