On Monday April 10th I woke in the wee hours of the morning to a rush. I had wondered while laying in bed the night before if I'd wake up in labor after experiencing lots of bloody show and mild rushes all day Sunday. With the light of the near full moon shining in from the window I laid patiently waiting and hoping for the next wave to come over me. At 2:36am I felt a familiar POP and knew my water had broken. I knew if I made any sudden movements our bed would be soaked. I woke Marcus and asked him to quick grab me a towel because my water had broke. He shot right up! He handed me the towel and I wadded it up under me and sat up. As soon as I did my waters came rushing out. We were both buzzing with excitement. We headed downstairs and began to set up our birthing space. Knowing how quickly my others had come after my waters ruptured we were sure that we were well on our way to having our sweet Ruby earthside. Marcus began to fill the pool and I text my midwife to keep her in the loop. I also called my mom and sister to have them head over. At this point it was storming and Hazel woke to the thunder and hollered out for me. I went to her and tried to snuggle her back to sleep in our bed. Soon my mom and sister arrived and Marcus came up to relieve me from Hazel duty. She ended up waking enough that he just brought her down to hang with us. Pretty soon the other kiddos started waking up and getting excited because they'd seen we were all set up and waiting on Ruby.
My rushes were almost non existent at this point coming maybe every ten minutes and very weak compared to any rush I'd ever experienced after my waters had broken. The rest of the morning continued on like this. My ex husband came to pick up Owyn and Ellie because we hadn't planned to have them there for the birth. I think I showered. We got Hazel down to sleep and I napped for an hour or so somewhere in there in hopes of things picking up if I let my body really relax for a bit. I woke to Marcus laying next to me and we locked eyes. Things hadn't really picked up at all. Hazel woke and we all goofed around in the bed for a while.
I spoke with my midwife and they decided to head over around noon to try some different techniques in hopes of bringing baby down into a good position suspecting this was the reason things weren't moving along. They arrived and they checked Ruby's heart rate and I had my only cervical exam of my pregnancy. I was dilated to a four and Ruby was sounding good as ever. We got my belly wrapped up nice and tight and then Marcus, Hazel, the dogs, and I went for a walk around the track behind our house. When we arrived back home my mom and sister had decided that they would take the kids and head out to my sisters in hopes of giving us some peace and quiet and getting things rolling. This was only our second time being without Hazel since her birth and she was a little hesitant and calling my name as she was being strapped into her carseat. They were planning on being back in time for the birth and I was feeling relieved to get the chance to just try to labor without a toddler on my heels, haha! Little did I know this is the last time I would hug and kiss Hazel with her being my youngest babe.
After they took off we wrapped, walked, lunged, and laid in different positions hoping for some good solid contractions to kick in. Nothing was working and I was beginning to feel really discouraged and let down by my body. I was starting to feel like I would be transferring to the hospital come morning and lose my decade long dream of having my homebirth. I expressed how I was feeling to Marcus on one of our walks and he reminded me to keep my head positive and said that he was sure we'd have this baby by morning. (days later admitting that he too was having some doubts.)
We'd gotten home and were talking with the midwives and they asked how I felt about trying some black and blue cohosh. I agreed and did a shot chasing it with my Naked juice sometime around 4pm. It was pretty earthy tasting. After that we wrapped the belly up again and took off for another walk around the track. This time I had five or so good rushes and as they would hit I would squat leaning into Marcus to help me back up. I came back filled with hope for the first time in a while. I remember jokingly saying something about drinking the whole bottle of B&B cohosh. It felt like a miracle! I did some more lunging, side lying intervals on Dom's bed, and took another shot or two throughout. My rushes were coming every seven or so minutes at this point and becoming more intense. We may have walked or laid or lunged.. It was such a long day but I was finally feeling like things were picking up and Ruby would be in our arms soon. Marcus drank a couple of PBR's and I could tell he was enjoying being at home rather than in a hospital room. A bit before 6pm my midwives decided to go grab some dinner. I feel like as soon as they left and it was just Marcus and I things grew way intense. I paced between the livingroom and Dominic's room. (our back up birthing space off of livingroom.) As I paced I would stop in the doorways and rest my head against the trim of the door and sway my hips through rushes. My back began to hurt and Marcus rubbed it for me. I felt like they were becoming so strong and was really wanting to get into the water. I text my midwife at 6:24pm to ask if I could jump in the shower and she told me she was on her way. When she got here she agreed that I could shower but wanted to listen to Ruby first. Ruby sounded great as always. At this point I was getting really teary eyed and would tear up during each rush or even just when my midwives would talk to me in their gentle midwife/doula/loving tones. :) My midwife checked my blood pressure and temperature. Both of which were up. My blood pressure not concerningly so but my temperature was worrisome. I had a long sleeved shirt on so my midwives had me strip down to my bra and skirt and rubbed peppermint oil on the bottoms of my feet. I sat on my ball feeling sure that I was heading for transfer if we couldn't get my temperature to come down. I was reassured when I was told that since Ruby sounded good she wasn't entirely concerned and that we could also attempt Tylenol to bring it down. Luckily the oils and less layers brought it down.. SUCH RELIEF!
Around this time my midwife's second assistant arrived. I hadn't met her before but remember thinking that she brought in with her the sweetest presence. I was so blessed to have this group of women supporting me. My rushes were so strong at this point and I would jump off of my ball and sway in the doorways as they would hit. As they became almost unbearable I retreated to Dom's room and Marcus followed. I remember glancing out at the sunset. I paced in there having a few really strong ones and I think I may have been standing arms around Marcus' neck for a few trying to make it to the other side. He whispered to me during a really hard one that we were doing this. "This is it babe. It's really happening. You're getting the birth you've always wanted. You're so close now."
I was standing at the foot of Dom's bed and said something along the lines of feeling her head and having the urge to push. I remember looking to my midwife for her approval and her reassuring me, telling me to listen to my body. I was feeling nervous about pushing. I knew at this point that things had gone pretty fast and that the pool wasn't all the way filled or the right temperature. I also knew how fast my body pushes my babies into the world and was so afraid I'd tear. Funny because I worry about this every single birth and it has yet to happen. (wait, let me rephrase that, with Ruby being our last it never will! haha!)
As I was pushing Marcus was sitting on the end of the bed. I had one knee on the bed and was standing with my other foot on the floor. I had my arms wrapped around Marcus' neck and he sat under supporting me and ready to catch his second daughter. (my midwife later told me that he had the sweetest grin on his face) I was really trying to breathe her head down and slow my body from just PUSHING like it likes to do in hopes of sparing her from bruising and instead just easing her out. Looking back I think I did an okay job of it and my midwives assistant even mentioned that I'd done great at it. Her head was born and my midwife said something to Marcus about seeing her beautiful face. Shortly thereafter her shoulders were born with real force so much so that it felt like they were tugged out. She slipped into the world and her daddy's hands at 7:38pm. I crawled onto the bed, laid on my back, and they handed her to me. I was so relieved to have her in my arms. Marcus came and kneeled next to the bed and we admired our brand new daughter. He snapped a couple of pictures of her and I laying there in pure baby bliss. I delivered the placenta and Marcus cut the cord. I sat up a bit and Ruby latched right on and nursed really well. After a good nursing/cuddling session I got up and was helped to shuffle to the bathroom to clean up while Marcus cuddled Ruby. I came back out and laid on the couch and she nursed again. Shortly thereafter and in between buzzing about and cleaning up the birthy mess our midwife checked Ruby over as well as weighed and measured her. She weighed in at eight pounds thirteen ounces and was twenty one inches long. Just one ounce bigger than Hazel making her the biggest of my five. She was and is pink and perfect! Our midwives finished some laundry and picking up and were out the door after hugs were shared.
The next morning I'd woken up and was feeling bummed that things hadn't gone "as planned." Wishing that my labor had been more predictable like my others. Wishing I'd have had time for my water birth and that I'd been able to handle the intense contractions with more ease. These thoughts lasted an hour or so and then I really came around from that sort of thinking. Letting go of expectations can be so hard and birth can be so unpredictable. I am so grateful to have had the homebirth experience with this last babe of mine. I stood in my son's bedroom and pushed my baby into the world, into her daddy's hands. That's pretty badass and I did it, WE DID IT! Then we snuggled into our own bed and fell even more in love. It's now just over 78 hours later and I'm still here floating around on this oxytocin high. Ruby is still nursing wonderfully and as of today everyone is smitten (it only took a certain toddler a minute to come around after a couple of "MY MAMA'S!!" were hollered out... ;)) She is so beautiful and we are all so blessed by her, our sweet Ruby Ophelia.
Friday, April 14, 2017
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Hazel Winter
I was experiencing rushes off and on all day on Saturday January 24th. They weren't strong or very regular so I didn't pay them much attention and went about my day tending to children and housework, as usual. I decided to have a glass of wine with lunch in hopes of stirring things up a bit but it didn't help to bring the rushes any closer together. When I was relaxing with the kids on the couch that evening things were feeling "off." I knew that the birth of our sweet Hazel was imminent.
We went to bed that night and I figured the rushes would fade, as I did, with sleep. I remember one good one coming on shortly after I fell asleep and it waking me, if only for that minute. At 2:30am on January 25th I woke to use the bathroom. When I wiped I noticed quite a bit of "bloody show" and found myself wide awake and excited as could be. I went back up to bed with my head buzzing. Our birthing time was close. So close. I knew we were about to meet our baby girl. After laying in bed for a couple of hours and trying to force myself into sleep I finally gave up. I got up, wandered around the house in the dark of the night, and felt the rushes intensify. I really didn't want to have to wake everyone and was hoping to leave them asleep until at least 7am. I decided to relax in the tub for a while. After that I got dressed and started packing my hospital bag. Marcus would wake periodically to ask how I was feeling. I remember shrugging him off in hopes of laboring alone in the quiet of the night just a little longer. This time though he noticed me dressing and packing and told me I could turn on the closet light. After that I made my way back downstairs and finished readying for the hospital. At this point the rushes were about 3-5 minutes apart. I decided I better call the kids' dad and let him know we'd be bringing them soon. I decided I couldn't wait any longer and went to wake Marcus up. As he was up getting ready the boys started waking from all of the early morning hustle and bustle in the house. I told them Hazel was coming and they were off to get ready for a day with dad. Matt text and said he could meet us halfway. We grabbed Ellie out of bed and told her that her sister was coming and we needed to take her to daddy. We threw a blanket over her and strapped her into the van. Just as we were walking out the door it began snowing. The flakes were falling so fast that by the time we made it across town to the highway the roads were covered. We pulled into a nursing home parking lot to drop the kids off. After exchanging kisses and saying our goodbyes we were on our way to the hospital. The drive was slow going with all of the snow and it was then that we decided that Bea and Rose weren't nearly as fitting middle names as Winter for our sweet girl. So Hazel Winter she was. We finally pulled into town and decided to swing by Hy-Vee and grab organic virgin olive oil for the birth. This was the only time I got to park in the expectant mothers spot and giggled to myself that a laboring mothers spot wasn't a closer option. By the time we arrived at the hospital it was a little after 7am.
I had my first cervical exam of my pregnancy and was dilated to a four and stretchy. I was admitted. All of the nurses were so sweet and excited to have us there since they'd all worked with my mama for so many years. I found out that the room with the whirlpool where I'd delivered her brothers and sister was already taken so they let me pick which room I'd like out of the few that were left. I picked the room that had the most sunlight pouring in. There were two pines outside the window that were beautifully decorated by the freshly fallen snow and a patch of tall grasses swaying back and forth. Marcus ran out to the van to grab our bags and my birthing ball. I was immediately hooked up to the monitors to check baby's heart tones. I was already kind of bummed because my rushes had slowed to about 7-10 minutes apart on the drive down and being strapped to the bed wasn't helping them to pick up any. I was almost sure I was going home. Soon the nurse came in to let me off of the monitors. I started to roll my hips on my ball and pace the room. I also ate an apple and snuck some bites off of Marcus' sandwich. Just as my contractions were picking back up the nurse came back in to strap me to the monitors again. I expressed my concerns with my rushes slowing each time I'd lay down . We compromised and I only had to be on a short time. This time as I lay in the bed I decided to do some nipple stimulation and much to my surprise every time I would touch them a rush would come on. Marcus sat at the end of the bed rubbing my feet through each rush. Soon the nurse was back in to take me off of the monitors. This time she made mention of my rushes being more steady.{{thank you nipples!}} I'd just sat on the edge of the bed to attempt to drink some soup as I felt a rush coming on. I stood to lean over a chair nearby and sway my hips. Marcus stood behind me rubbing my lower back and all of the sudden I felt a POP! I said "I just felt something pop." Marcus said "yea, that was my elbow." and that's when I felt the warm water running down my legs. "Nope, that was my water!" After I got all cleaned up I got back into bed for another short monitoring session. (I hate those monitors!) This time in bed I did more nipple stimulation and the rushes were becoming stronger. I kept reminding myself that my rushes weren't stronger than me because they were me. With each one I would close my eyes, keep my mouth loose by saying ooooOoooOoooh, and visualize my body opening like a lotus. All the while in the bed I would rub a piece of jadeite in my left hand trying to stay open and not grip my hands or tense my body. It was about this time that I decided I wanted to labor in the shower. Water has always helped to keep me at ease in labor and I knew it was time to get in. The water felt so good on my skin. Those showers with all of the different shower heads are a dream come true for a laboring mama. There was a little bench in there but I knew I couldn't sit. I stood holding onto the handrails and swaying my hips. I would sway though the rushes saying "oooOooOoooh and oooOoooOopen." The drain in the shower was clogged and Marcus was having to set towels at the shower door so we didn't flood the bathroom. I spent about 45 minutes in there and could tell I was close to transition. The water was exactly what I needed to bring my baby down. I could tell that I would soon need to push. Our nurse came in and told Marcus that it was time to get out and check the monitors again. (She had tried to have me wear the portable ones into the shower but Marcus kindly asked if we could just leave them off for a while and she agreed.) Marcus stepped back in from talking to her and I knew it was time to get out and I broke down. I began to cry and said "if we ever do this again this is why we WILL have a homebirth!" He told me everything was okay and I didn't "have" to do anything I didn't want. "We'll flood this whole hospital if we have to, baby." That's when it hit me, I'm crying, this HAS to be transition! I got out to the bed and Marcus told the nurse that I thought I was in transition. She kind of gave us a surprised look and then went out and told our midwife. She came in and checked me to find that I was only a six and that she couldn't easily feel the top of Hazel's head. We decided that she was in a weird cockeyed position in there and that had been the reason for the back labor I was having. I was feeling completely defeated at his point and my midwife suggested that I do some lunges and knee ups to try to get her to rotate better down in my pelvis. I stood and practiced these techniques in between each rush. With each rush I would throw my arms around Marcus' neck and ask him to rub my lower back as hard as he could. His arms had to be so sore by the end of it! It was around this time that I mentioned that "I might need something to take the edge off." and that "I think this is my biggest baby yet." He knew that this was really the last thing that I wanted and had to talk me down off the ledge. "You're doing great, baby. You've got this, I know you do! Just try to relax and open." I remember being so hot and feeling like I might pass out. Between contractions Marcus would fan me with a towel. A few more hard rushes after that and I was feeling pushy. Marcus went to the door and let the midwife know. She came in and asked which position I wanted to push in. At this time I was sitting bum on the side of the bed, resting on my arms, with my feet on the ground. I decided I wanted to push right where I was. After a few rushes in that position my arms grew weak and I got up onto the bed. A few good pushes, some loud "oooOoooOooh's," and a couple of "F words" later and her head was born. I had a minute to rest and then my body started pushing for her shoulders. She was wearing her umbilical cord like a seat belt and it took a couple of good pushes for them to be born. Hazel Winter was born at 3:17pm into her daddy's hands after about 10 minutes of pushing. He passed her up to me and I tore my gown down and put her to my chest. She latched on to my breast almost immediately and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I told her that we'd been waiting for her and how in love with her I was. Marcus bent over us and laid his forehead against mine and I felt his warm tears running down over my face. We were so elated. About 10-15 minutes after Hazel's birth I delivered our placenta and Marcus cut the cord. I asked to see the placenta. It was big and beautiful and sits in our freezer waiting to be planted in the just the perfect spot under a hazelnut tree, little Hazel's hazelnut tree.
We spent the hour following her birth in a blissful dreamlike state just staring at her. We nursed, cuddled, and loved on each other in that tiny hospital room. We were so high over the wild experience that had just brought us our baby girl. After an hour had passed a nurse came back in the room to weigh and measure her. She weighed in as my biggest baby yet at 8 pounds 12 ounces. She was 20.5 inches long and as pink and perfect as could be. Soon Hazel was back in my arms and at my breast and she's been pretty content there ever since. At eleven days old she's nursing like a champ and the sweetest little baby. She's stolen each and every one of our hearts, our little Hazel Winter.
We went to bed that night and I figured the rushes would fade, as I did, with sleep. I remember one good one coming on shortly after I fell asleep and it waking me, if only for that minute. At 2:30am on January 25th I woke to use the bathroom. When I wiped I noticed quite a bit of "bloody show" and found myself wide awake and excited as could be. I went back up to bed with my head buzzing. Our birthing time was close. So close. I knew we were about to meet our baby girl. After laying in bed for a couple of hours and trying to force myself into sleep I finally gave up. I got up, wandered around the house in the dark of the night, and felt the rushes intensify. I really didn't want to have to wake everyone and was hoping to leave them asleep until at least 7am. I decided to relax in the tub for a while. After that I got dressed and started packing my hospital bag. Marcus would wake periodically to ask how I was feeling. I remember shrugging him off in hopes of laboring alone in the quiet of the night just a little longer. This time though he noticed me dressing and packing and told me I could turn on the closet light. After that I made my way back downstairs and finished readying for the hospital. At this point the rushes were about 3-5 minutes apart. I decided I better call the kids' dad and let him know we'd be bringing them soon. I decided I couldn't wait any longer and went to wake Marcus up. As he was up getting ready the boys started waking from all of the early morning hustle and bustle in the house. I told them Hazel was coming and they were off to get ready for a day with dad. Matt text and said he could meet us halfway. We grabbed Ellie out of bed and told her that her sister was coming and we needed to take her to daddy. We threw a blanket over her and strapped her into the van. Just as we were walking out the door it began snowing. The flakes were falling so fast that by the time we made it across town to the highway the roads were covered. We pulled into a nursing home parking lot to drop the kids off. After exchanging kisses and saying our goodbyes we were on our way to the hospital. The drive was slow going with all of the snow and it was then that we decided that Bea and Rose weren't nearly as fitting middle names as Winter for our sweet girl. So Hazel Winter she was. We finally pulled into town and decided to swing by Hy-Vee and grab organic virgin olive oil for the birth. This was the only time I got to park in the expectant mothers spot and giggled to myself that a laboring mothers spot wasn't a closer option. By the time we arrived at the hospital it was a little after 7am.
I had my first cervical exam of my pregnancy and was dilated to a four and stretchy. I was admitted. All of the nurses were so sweet and excited to have us there since they'd all worked with my mama for so many years. I found out that the room with the whirlpool where I'd delivered her brothers and sister was already taken so they let me pick which room I'd like out of the few that were left. I picked the room that had the most sunlight pouring in. There were two pines outside the window that were beautifully decorated by the freshly fallen snow and a patch of tall grasses swaying back and forth. Marcus ran out to the van to grab our bags and my birthing ball. I was immediately hooked up to the monitors to check baby's heart tones. I was already kind of bummed because my rushes had slowed to about 7-10 minutes apart on the drive down and being strapped to the bed wasn't helping them to pick up any. I was almost sure I was going home. Soon the nurse came in to let me off of the monitors. I started to roll my hips on my ball and pace the room. I also ate an apple and snuck some bites off of Marcus' sandwich. Just as my contractions were picking back up the nurse came back in to strap me to the monitors again. I expressed my concerns with my rushes slowing each time I'd lay down . We compromised and I only had to be on a short time. This time as I lay in the bed I decided to do some nipple stimulation and much to my surprise every time I would touch them a rush would come on. Marcus sat at the end of the bed rubbing my feet through each rush. Soon the nurse was back in to take me off of the monitors. This time she made mention of my rushes being more steady.{{thank you nipples!}} I'd just sat on the edge of the bed to attempt to drink some soup as I felt a rush coming on. I stood to lean over a chair nearby and sway my hips. Marcus stood behind me rubbing my lower back and all of the sudden I felt a POP! I said "I just felt something pop." Marcus said "yea, that was my elbow." and that's when I felt the warm water running down my legs. "Nope, that was my water!" After I got all cleaned up I got back into bed for another short monitoring session. (I hate those monitors!) This time in bed I did more nipple stimulation and the rushes were becoming stronger. I kept reminding myself that my rushes weren't stronger than me because they were me. With each one I would close my eyes, keep my mouth loose by saying ooooOoooOoooh, and visualize my body opening like a lotus. All the while in the bed I would rub a piece of jadeite in my left hand trying to stay open and not grip my hands or tense my body. It was about this time that I decided I wanted to labor in the shower. Water has always helped to keep me at ease in labor and I knew it was time to get in. The water felt so good on my skin. Those showers with all of the different shower heads are a dream come true for a laboring mama. There was a little bench in there but I knew I couldn't sit. I stood holding onto the handrails and swaying my hips. I would sway though the rushes saying "oooOooOoooh and oooOoooOopen." The drain in the shower was clogged and Marcus was having to set towels at the shower door so we didn't flood the bathroom. I spent about 45 minutes in there and could tell I was close to transition. The water was exactly what I needed to bring my baby down. I could tell that I would soon need to push. Our nurse came in and told Marcus that it was time to get out and check the monitors again. (She had tried to have me wear the portable ones into the shower but Marcus kindly asked if we could just leave them off for a while and she agreed.) Marcus stepped back in from talking to her and I knew it was time to get out and I broke down. I began to cry and said "if we ever do this again this is why we WILL have a homebirth!" He told me everything was okay and I didn't "have" to do anything I didn't want. "We'll flood this whole hospital if we have to, baby." That's when it hit me, I'm crying, this HAS to be transition! I got out to the bed and Marcus told the nurse that I thought I was in transition. She kind of gave us a surprised look and then went out and told our midwife. She came in and checked me to find that I was only a six and that she couldn't easily feel the top of Hazel's head. We decided that she was in a weird cockeyed position in there and that had been the reason for the back labor I was having. I was feeling completely defeated at his point and my midwife suggested that I do some lunges and knee ups to try to get her to rotate better down in my pelvis. I stood and practiced these techniques in between each rush. With each rush I would throw my arms around Marcus' neck and ask him to rub my lower back as hard as he could. His arms had to be so sore by the end of it! It was around this time that I mentioned that "I might need something to take the edge off." and that "I think this is my biggest baby yet." He knew that this was really the last thing that I wanted and had to talk me down off the ledge. "You're doing great, baby. You've got this, I know you do! Just try to relax and open." I remember being so hot and feeling like I might pass out. Between contractions Marcus would fan me with a towel. A few more hard rushes after that and I was feeling pushy. Marcus went to the door and let the midwife know. She came in and asked which position I wanted to push in. At this time I was sitting bum on the side of the bed, resting on my arms, with my feet on the ground. I decided I wanted to push right where I was. After a few rushes in that position my arms grew weak and I got up onto the bed. A few good pushes, some loud "oooOoooOooh's," and a couple of "F words" later and her head was born. I had a minute to rest and then my body started pushing for her shoulders. She was wearing her umbilical cord like a seat belt and it took a couple of good pushes for them to be born. Hazel Winter was born at 3:17pm into her daddy's hands after about 10 minutes of pushing. He passed her up to me and I tore my gown down and put her to my chest. She latched on to my breast almost immediately and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I told her that we'd been waiting for her and how in love with her I was. Marcus bent over us and laid his forehead against mine and I felt his warm tears running down over my face. We were so elated. About 10-15 minutes after Hazel's birth I delivered our placenta and Marcus cut the cord. I asked to see the placenta. It was big and beautiful and sits in our freezer waiting to be planted in the just the perfect spot under a hazelnut tree, little Hazel's hazelnut tree.
We spent the hour following her birth in a blissful dreamlike state just staring at her. We nursed, cuddled, and loved on each other in that tiny hospital room. We were so high over the wild experience that had just brought us our baby girl. After an hour had passed a nurse came back in the room to weigh and measure her. She weighed in as my biggest baby yet at 8 pounds 12 ounces. She was 20.5 inches long and as pink and perfect as could be. Soon Hazel was back in my arms and at my breast and she's been pretty content there ever since. At eleven days old she's nursing like a champ and the sweetest little baby. She's stolen each and every one of our hearts, our little Hazel Winter.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
time spent here
heart dancing wild
soul set to fly
this freedom i feel
reaches up to the sky
my lungs breathe easy
feet love to move
released onto this journey
im finding my groove
life moving forward
sunrise and sunset
still simply just me
are you feeling it yet
whole self on the grow
plant my seed in the ground
compass in your hand
yet lost and spinning round
scattered and searching
deep in the forest of your brain
one day to find
roots always remain the same
~kmm
I spend a great amount of my time with my nose stuck to my journal and pen glued in hand these days. Our lives have been shifted and while at times it's hard for our littles {mostly our boys} to understand we continue to move forward, faces filled mostly with smiles. The change has been immense and the littles are now getting used to sharing two homes without their mama and papa sharing in one. Mama and Papa are however finding our balance within our new roles in one anothers lives and I'm proud to say that this start to our co-parenting journey has been filled with nothing but ease. We remain great friends because at the root of everything there was this awesome friendship and while being in love didn't or couldn't last, love did. We've shared and loved through some of the most life altering experiences together.. The memories and friendship always to hopefully remain.
Our littles continue to amaze me on a daily basis. The biggest being so filled with wisdom at the age of six that I have constantly have to step back and ask "He's six?" It seems that we've been in each other lives as long as I can remember. Growing up with one another, six years hardly seems long as the life we've shared together. I feel his struggles and he is continually effected by what's going on and out of his control. Sometimes he, often actually, he has moments filled with rage and confusion. The thing is that the kid is so bright he's bound to feel everything and share everything, he's been raised on this journey knowing that his feelings matter most and he should feel/speak/show as he pleases but to always try to be mindful of kindness. With what he's going through the kindness has been lacking, but I see his wheels turning and know that his actions even on his cloudy days are intertwined with love. Times are hard but communication is the key and with that we will ride this thing out into the sunset, mama and her first little. And to quote him, while taking a time out for himself and deep in discussion with a friend about growth, actions and reactions he said "I could trace my steps today for tomorrow." and my heart melted. The kids got soul.
Our midlittle has had a case of the gunk this past week. He is slowly on the mend and as always very go with the flow. Growing day by day physically and mentally he's bound and determined to figure things out on his own. He's been working on tieing his shoes but doesn't want to know how to tie them because he already knows, he's brilliant you know, a boy of his own words and his own funky lace tying do-ups. He fills my heart.
Our wee little gal is doing fabulous! Nearly crawling, definitely getting around one way or another already. Filled with waves, and claps. She is growing before my eyes into this little person. This great little person, in fact. One that I look forward to spending my time with. It really is amazing how quickly they grow, each day brings something new. Life is always interesting as a mama.. and I am forever grateful for these little loves of mine.
soul set to fly
this freedom i feel
reaches up to the sky
my lungs breathe easy
feet love to move
released onto this journey
im finding my groove
life moving forward
sunrise and sunset
still simply just me
are you feeling it yet
whole self on the grow
plant my seed in the ground
compass in your hand
yet lost and spinning round
scattered and searching
deep in the forest of your brain
one day to find
roots always remain the same
~kmm
I spend a great amount of my time with my nose stuck to my journal and pen glued in hand these days. Our lives have been shifted and while at times it's hard for our littles {mostly our boys} to understand we continue to move forward, faces filled mostly with smiles. The change has been immense and the littles are now getting used to sharing two homes without their mama and papa sharing in one. Mama and Papa are however finding our balance within our new roles in one anothers lives and I'm proud to say that this start to our co-parenting journey has been filled with nothing but ease. We remain great friends because at the root of everything there was this awesome friendship and while being in love didn't or couldn't last, love did. We've shared and loved through some of the most life altering experiences together.. The memories and friendship always to hopefully remain.
Our littles continue to amaze me on a daily basis. The biggest being so filled with wisdom at the age of six that I have constantly have to step back and ask "He's six?" It seems that we've been in each other lives as long as I can remember. Growing up with one another, six years hardly seems long as the life we've shared together. I feel his struggles and he is continually effected by what's going on and out of his control. Sometimes he, often actually, he has moments filled with rage and confusion. The thing is that the kid is so bright he's bound to feel everything and share everything, he's been raised on this journey knowing that his feelings matter most and he should feel/speak/show as he pleases but to always try to be mindful of kindness. With what he's going through the kindness has been lacking, but I see his wheels turning and know that his actions even on his cloudy days are intertwined with love. Times are hard but communication is the key and with that we will ride this thing out into the sunset, mama and her first little. And to quote him, while taking a time out for himself and deep in discussion with a friend about growth, actions and reactions he said "I could trace my steps today for tomorrow." and my heart melted. The kids got soul.
Our midlittle has had a case of the gunk this past week. He is slowly on the mend and as always very go with the flow. Growing day by day physically and mentally he's bound and determined to figure things out on his own. He's been working on tieing his shoes but doesn't want to know how to tie them because he already knows, he's brilliant you know, a boy of his own words and his own funky lace tying do-ups. He fills my heart.
Our wee little gal is doing fabulous! Nearly crawling, definitely getting around one way or another already. Filled with waves, and claps. She is growing before my eyes into this little person. This great little person, in fact. One that I look forward to spending my time with. It really is amazing how quickly they grow, each day brings something new. Life is always interesting as a mama.. and I am forever grateful for these little loves of mine.
 |
| deep in thought, a quiet rest in her favorite spot. |
Monday, April 18, 2011
celebrate this place in this beautiful time and space
to bend and bow but never break
grow and give yet never take
roots running deep like secrets beneath the ground
for hundreds of years to never be found
one with the soil while reaching for the sky
safety and home place to lives that fly
limbs set free to shake, dance and sway
continually connected along the way
one by one your leaves will fall
bright colors gone you still stand tall
wisdom is great and time here is long
to look to you is to keep me strong
you're beauty is one to appreciate
a generous life we must celebrate
when you're all gone who will we be
for we can live a life unknown by a tree
~kmm
Happy Earth Day week wonderful folks! Hope life finds you well.. I've missed this space!
grow and give yet never take
roots running deep like secrets beneath the ground
for hundreds of years to never be found
one with the soil while reaching for the sky
safety and home place to lives that fly
limbs set free to shake, dance and sway
continually connected along the way
one by one your leaves will fall
bright colors gone you still stand tall
wisdom is great and time here is long
to look to you is to keep me strong
you're beauty is one to appreciate
a generous life we must celebrate
when you're all gone who will we be
for we can live a life unknown by a tree
~kmm
Happy Earth Day week wonderful folks! Hope life finds you well.. I've missed this space!
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Little Masterpiece
Our biggest little is very into writing and drawing and most often when he shows me one of his masterpiece's my heart swells, and this one was no different. Except maybe that this time I was wondering if my heart was going to jump up out of my throat and wrap it's ventricles around him like arms. Nah, but seriously, this one melted me. I am blessed to have such a cool little man to share my time with. This little is wise beyond his years.
 |
| Love is when I get together with my family and animals. It makes me feel like love. -Dominic Isaiah |
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Real Love
Eight years ago today I walked into a busy cafeteria and handed a love note to one of my dearest guy pals. We'd been really connecting, and after a long walk with our pups {and other friends} out on the river I knew there was something real there. I could no longer go on ignoring it, and I knew he was feeling it too, he had been in fact since the first time we dated when I was maybe thirteen. He claims he knew I was the one way back then--only that time I broke his young heart. But this time I wanted to give it another go. I was so nervous walking in and handing him that letter that I stayed up all night pouring my heart and soul into the night before.
I am happy to say that the letter was well received. Just as I knew he was feeling the same energy and our relationship went wild and crazy from there. He came over on the night of March 6th, 2003 and the rest was history. We fell madly in love. We were crazy over each other. But, we were young. And not only were we crazy over each other but we were mostly plain crazy. Crazy teenagers.There were a lot of ups and downs in the first seven months of our relationship. It was so new and exciting but we both had pasts that we were trying to move away from which proved harder than we'd both thought. However we made it through and in the seventh month of our dating relationship we found out we were pregnant with our first blessing. A huge surprise for both of us but an exciting wonderful one at that.
We got our first place together about a month before I graduated high school. He moved in right away while my ma made me wait until either I had my first little or turned eighteen. {they were due to happen within days of each other} Graduation happened and I waited patiently for our blessing to come earth side. After he arrived we all moved in together and family life as we knew it had begun. There were a lot of struggles that first year living together but we pulled through like we always do. He proposed to me in that old house when our biggest little was six months old. So many memories.
We decided to get married about a year and a half after he proposed with our second little already on the way. Our wedding day was nice and relaxed. Just the way I'd hoped it would be.Shortly after the nuptials we headed to the hospital to find out the gender of our second little. Such a special day. We found that we were indeed having a second son and then we headed home to pack our car to head out for our honeymoon filled with live music, family, togetherness, and last but not least, love.
We welcomed our very last little in July of last year. We tried so hard to bring her into our lives and now that she is here our family is complete. We still have our struggles, what relationship doesn't? This new year has proved harder than ever before in our relationship, but we always continue to look towards the future. And in the future we see one another. We feel that we were meant to be, that this love we have is more powerful than anything. Our two Gemini souls were meant for one another and if you look at the compatibility between two Gemini's you will find that we happen to be very in tune, and together are the most interesting couple one might know. Interesting indeed.
So today, as I sit here and reflect on our eight years together I am grateful. Grateful for all that we've shared and will continue to share in the future. Grateful for all that we have overcome. Grateful for the things we will overcome together in the future. Lots of gratitude. I know that our paths were meant to cross and I thank the universe for the many lessons we have learned together as one. I hope our littles can see that love is worth it. It is worth fighting for. I hope that one day when they are in love, from the highest to the lowest moments, that they will feel how real and deep it really is. That they will be able to be real with their loved ones always, that they will always remember to protect their love, to water it like a flower so that it only continues to bloom. But mostly I hope that they will find their soulmate, the one that even when they'd rather not connect with them something is there drawing them back, and proving it's worth. That it's meant to be. I hope that they find a connection like their papa and I have. A safe connection. One that, in marriage or not, will last a lifetime. Because to me marriage is a document--a vow to stick together forever. But real love, love that's not found on paper, love that's found the way we found it eight years ago as two friends out on the banks of the Green River feeling high on each other and freedom without any jotting down of John Hancock's because anyone can sign their name, but it's what they feel in their heart and soul that counts most. I've known ever since that night in March of 2003 our relationship was extraordinary, and no matter where life takes us we will always share this connection. This love we have is real. And on our anniversary I am feeling it set me free.
I am happy to say that the letter was well received. Just as I knew he was feeling the same energy and our relationship went wild and crazy from there. He came over on the night of March 6th, 2003 and the rest was history. We fell madly in love. We were crazy over each other. But, we were young. And not only were we crazy over each other but we were mostly plain crazy. Crazy teenagers.There were a lot of ups and downs in the first seven months of our relationship. It was so new and exciting but we both had pasts that we were trying to move away from which proved harder than we'd both thought. However we made it through and in the seventh month of our dating relationship we found out we were pregnant with our first blessing. A huge surprise for both of us but an exciting wonderful one at that.
We got our first place together about a month before I graduated high school. He moved in right away while my ma made me wait until either I had my first little or turned eighteen. {they were due to happen within days of each other} Graduation happened and I waited patiently for our blessing to come earth side. After he arrived we all moved in together and family life as we knew it had begun. There were a lot of struggles that first year living together but we pulled through like we always do. He proposed to me in that old house when our biggest little was six months old. So many memories.
We decided to get married about a year and a half after he proposed with our second little already on the way. Our wedding day was nice and relaxed. Just the way I'd hoped it would be.Shortly after the nuptials we headed to the hospital to find out the gender of our second little. Such a special day. We found that we were indeed having a second son and then we headed home to pack our car to head out for our honeymoon filled with live music, family, togetherness, and last but not least, love.
We welcomed our very last little in July of last year. We tried so hard to bring her into our lives and now that she is here our family is complete. We still have our struggles, what relationship doesn't? This new year has proved harder than ever before in our relationship, but we always continue to look towards the future. And in the future we see one another. We feel that we were meant to be, that this love we have is more powerful than anything. Our two Gemini souls were meant for one another and if you look at the compatibility between two Gemini's you will find that we happen to be very in tune, and together are the most interesting couple one might know. Interesting indeed.
So today, as I sit here and reflect on our eight years together I am grateful. Grateful for all that we've shared and will continue to share in the future. Grateful for all that we have overcome. Grateful for the things we will overcome together in the future. Lots of gratitude. I know that our paths were meant to cross and I thank the universe for the many lessons we have learned together as one. I hope our littles can see that love is worth it. It is worth fighting for. I hope that one day when they are in love, from the highest to the lowest moments, that they will feel how real and deep it really is. That they will be able to be real with their loved ones always, that they will always remember to protect their love, to water it like a flower so that it only continues to bloom. But mostly I hope that they will find their soulmate, the one that even when they'd rather not connect with them something is there drawing them back, and proving it's worth. That it's meant to be. I hope that they find a connection like their papa and I have. A safe connection. One that, in marriage or not, will last a lifetime. Because to me marriage is a document--a vow to stick together forever. But real love, love that's not found on paper, love that's found the way we found it eight years ago as two friends out on the banks of the Green River feeling high on each other and freedom without any jotting down of John Hancock's because anyone can sign their name, but it's what they feel in their heart and soul that counts most. I've known ever since that night in March of 2003 our relationship was extraordinary, and no matter where life takes us we will always share this connection. This love we have is real. And on our anniversary I am feeling it set me free.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Good Enough
I often have a bad case of the good enoughs. I worry that I am not good enough for this and that. That I don't look good enough. That my clothes aren't good enough. That my thoughts aren't good enough for certain people. That my love isn't good enough. And with all of the struggles I've been dealt lately I am struggling with the good enoughs more than ever.
The thing is that I have these three wonderfully amazing littles. I want them to feel good enough. I don't want them to see mama struggling with herself but I do want them to see that this case of the good enoughs is very real. And that throughout life they will feel the weight of these good enoughs that everyone feels. However I want them to be able to accept the good enoughs, to be real with them. I want them to embrace them, to feel them, to move through these feelings and truly feel them knowing that they are not alone. Everyone has these feelings the key is to be able to accept these good enoughs, I don't want them to hide these feelings. They are very real. They should be talked about. This society we live in is a scary place. I think it's time to communicate with one another. Instead of trying to compete or catch up over and over again lets talk about our differences, lets share our good enoughs, and as Single Dad Laughing says here: lets be real.
I want my littles to know that they are good enough. They are one person, the one person, in fact, that they were put here on this beautiful planet to be. I don't want to see them struggling with the good enoughs, but I know they will. I have already seen my boys start to feel it. The pressure of the good enoughs that is. And I know that now, well now, we have a daughter. A daughter who is going to feel the good enoughs maybe even more so than her brothers have or will. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't want her to compare herself with the women around her with hair died three different colors, jeans squeezing their butt cheeks, and make-up on their faces thicker than mud on pigs feet. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to know that her natural beauty IS good enough. I want her and my boys to know that everything they do in their life is good enough. Everything happens for a reason. You are exactly who you are for a reason. Everyone has faults and everyone has beauty and we need to accept both within ourselves and others. These feelings need to be talked about openly and honestly. They need to be validated. We all need to be accepted for who we are. And most of all we need to be real. Real with ourselves and those around us.
I hope I can help to inspire my children to share these good enoughs with myself, Papa Bear, and whomever else they feel could benefit. I hope that I can help to teach them to be real. I hope that they will grow not only to be compassionate towards others but also towards themselves because before we can love others we must first love ourselves. Our real selves.
And in the spirit of being real I must end with a good enough. Because through writing this blog post I am feeling this feeling that is very real and very good enough.
::I hope I am a good enough mama to teach my littles to accept and validate these feelings inside themselves and others. And to help them to know and feel within and without that they are in fact good enough and exactly the person that they were put here to be.::
The thing is that I have these three wonderfully amazing littles. I want them to feel good enough. I don't want them to see mama struggling with herself but I do want them to see that this case of the good enoughs is very real. And that throughout life they will feel the weight of these good enoughs that everyone feels. However I want them to be able to accept the good enoughs, to be real with them. I want them to embrace them, to feel them, to move through these feelings and truly feel them knowing that they are not alone. Everyone has these feelings the key is to be able to accept these good enoughs, I don't want them to hide these feelings. They are very real. They should be talked about. This society we live in is a scary place. I think it's time to communicate with one another. Instead of trying to compete or catch up over and over again lets talk about our differences, lets share our good enoughs, and as Single Dad Laughing says here: lets be real.
I want my littles to know that they are good enough. They are one person, the one person, in fact, that they were put here on this beautiful planet to be. I don't want to see them struggling with the good enoughs, but I know they will. I have already seen my boys start to feel it. The pressure of the good enoughs that is. And I know that now, well now, we have a daughter. A daughter who is going to feel the good enoughs maybe even more so than her brothers have or will. I want her to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't want her to compare herself with the women around her with hair died three different colors, jeans squeezing their butt cheeks, and make-up on their faces thicker than mud on pigs feet. I want her to feel good enough. I want her to know that her natural beauty IS good enough. I want her and my boys to know that everything they do in their life is good enough. Everything happens for a reason. You are exactly who you are for a reason. Everyone has faults and everyone has beauty and we need to accept both within ourselves and others. These feelings need to be talked about openly and honestly. They need to be validated. We all need to be accepted for who we are. And most of all we need to be real. Real with ourselves and those around us.
I hope I can help to inspire my children to share these good enoughs with myself, Papa Bear, and whomever else they feel could benefit. I hope that I can help to teach them to be real. I hope that they will grow not only to be compassionate towards others but also towards themselves because before we can love others we must first love ourselves. Our real selves.
And in the spirit of being real I must end with a good enough. Because through writing this blog post I am feeling this feeling that is very real and very good enough.
::I hope I am a good enough mama to teach my littles to accept and validate these feelings inside themselves and others. And to help them to know and feel within and without that they are in fact good enough and exactly the person that they were put here to be.::
 |
| "A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." - Albert Einstein |
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